Homeopathic vaccines

Vaccination has become more and more contraversial over the years, and people are becoming increasingly interested in alternative, less toxic means of preventing disease. Homeopathic practitioners have responded to this with a range of products that are completely safe and non-toxic. Other than a couple of slight drawbacks, they are an excellent holistic solution!

The human immune system has lots of different parts to it, including an entire chemical attack system, parts that produce an allergic reaction when appropriate (and sometimes when not appropriate) and little cells designed to heal wounds properly - but the most important part is the immune response. This is achieved sometimes by whole cells performing a range of functions in the fight, and sometimes by antibodies. The average human has thousands of different antibodies at any one time, each of which targets a specific type of foreign body. Foreign bodies can be viruses, bacteria, fungi, or all manner of dust, pollens or chemicals, which can enter the body in all sorts of different ways. Whenever a particular foreign body appears, it is recognised by a unique chemical marker called an antigen. On detection of this antigen, the body produces the correct antibody, which is chemically unique so as to specifically target that antigen (i.e. the two chemically bond together) and, in a nutshell, it destroys the foreign body.

Diagram of a typical antibody-antigen reaction.

Once the body has sucessfully "dealt with" a foreign body, using it's antibodies, it remembers how to make those antibodies so it can do so quickly next time. It's as if the body wrote itself a little program on how to deal with that problem, like an update to its antivirus software.
The body is capable of making new antibodies when it encounters foreign bodies that are new. This is the really clever bit. A healthy immune system can generate a whole new type of immune response every time there is a new foreign body - a strain of, flu for example - and fight it off. It is not 100% clear how this works but it is thought that the body pre-prepares millions of different types of immune response cells (i.e. B and T lymphocytes). The genetic diversity required to produce all these is explained by the process of V(D)J recombination. When an infection occurs, one or a number of these are able to bond, with an antibody-antigen reaction - this then triggers the production of many more of that type of cell.

A vaccine is a medical intervention, normally in the form of an injection, that makes the patient immune, or partially immune to a disease. It works by stimulating the body's immune system, as described above, to improve its response to that particular disease. To use the computer virus analogy, it is like updating the virus database. Vaccines come in many forms, but they almost all have the same basis - to expose an antigen to the body so that it knows how to fight the disease if it occurs.

A common form of vaccine is to use a weakened version of the pathogen that causes the disease. Examples are the vaccines for measles and TB. Live vaccines are generally the most effective vaccines as they provide the immune system with the "closest match".
Killed vaccines are organisms that have been heat-treated, such as the hepatitis B vaccine. These are not so effective as the particles have been partly denatured, meaning that on some particles the antigen will not be structurally sound, so the immune response is less specific.
Some vaccines are composed only of cellular fragments. For example, to make the one for bacterial meningitis, the polysaccharide antigen, that protrudes from the cell membranes, is isolated.

For a long time now there has been controversy around vaccines since there are an increasingly large number of them (For example, in the 1980s, children in the US were typically given about ten different ones; nowadays they get more than thirty), and there have been many media scares stories. Parents worry when they see their one year old child being injected with a cocktail of drugs that they don't understand, and they saw on the news that it causes autism.  People question why the government forces toxic drugs upon them and their families. Conspiracy theorists go one step further: they are convinced that the government are deliberately poisoning us, and that we have all been living in a Matrix-style psychedelic dreamworld since birth, and the injections are just to boost the psychedelic response. And the aliens that really control the world are doing experiments on us to see how well we would live on their planet. Apparently.
In the meantime, no one has smallpox anymore, although this could be because doctors started washing their hands.

Some of these are legitimate concerns. Do not think for one minute that vaccines, as they stand, are great, because they're not. There is certainly need for change.

Homeopathic vaccines have been purported as that necessary change For, as you may have guessed if you have some previous understanding of homeopathy, (see my previous article if you want a quick revision) homeopathic vaccines do not work in the same way as those described above at all. Instead of containing a viable sample of an antigen for the disease to the body, such that the body produces its own immunity to the disease: the homeopathic vaccines contain precisely fuck-all. Just some sugar and crystalline stuff to pack it into a pill. The invading bacterial or fungal cell will probably just gobble up these sugar molecules as a tasy lunch before doing a bit more damage.

In fact, these vaccines work by sheer luck, in that when functioning correctly, the person being vaccinated either never catches that disease, or manages to fight it off without the help of a vaccine. OK, I'll admit, divine intervention is also a possibility but even if that happens it's probably not related to the homeopathic tablets.

Homeopathic immunization, also known as homeoprophylaxis, has apparently been around for 200 years, but oddly no one had really heard of it until just recently. It is sold strongly on the safety aspects - no side effects, no pains, no toxic adjuvants etc. Great, yes, we know, taking sugar pills is safe (unless one is diabetic).
They also claim to be able to immunise against diseases for which western medicine has not yet found a vaccine, such as Meningitis B. The homeopathic preparations are typically derived from what are called nosodes, which are biological samples extracted from infectious body sites in an infected patient such as pustules or sputum. The way these are stored and prepared into stock homeopathic medicines is something of a mystery, especially as the finished products are supposed to last 30 years or more. But only if you store them in the dark, away from electrical or magnetic fields, never touch them, refrain from using the words "Louis Pasteur" within 24 feet of the bottle, and never allow negative "energy" into the room. Then they might go off. You have been warned.

Of course homeopathists would fiercely deny that the vaccines contain nothing, arguing that the essence of the disease has been potentised and energised into the finished product: especially since these vaccines are usually diluted by 10 to the power 200. Yes, that's greater than the equivalent of one atom in the number of atoms in the observable universe. I'm not going to go into all the arguments about why this is bullshit, because they're just the same as the ones for normal homeopathic medicines.

Just remember, parents. The chemical vaccines may be dodgy but they do have very high success rates. If you choose Homeopathic vaccines you can be assured that they are incredibly safe, and your child's immune system probably will genuinely become better for the absence of working vaccines. Furthermore, you might get a good holistic diagnosis of your child's spiritual wellbeing (if you pay hundreds of dollars for a very good homeopathist, that is); but there are two main downsides. The first is that these vaccines have no effect at all. Second, if you live in the western world it is likely your child will be excluded from school and from travel to foreign countries, you will be accused of child abuse, and people will think you are a witch.