For many decades, cocaine smuggling has brought untold suffering to south and central America. Some of the best places to grow cocaine plants are in South America, and some of the biggest markets for the stuff are in the USA. Because cocaine is illegal, this has resulted in huge amounts of gang violence in the name of control of this illicit trade. The authorities in the various countries in which this violence takes place are seemingly powerless to stop it (some might argue that the whole "war against drugs" is pretty pointless, but that subject is for another day).
In Mexico, for example, even conservative estimates toll the number of killings in this "war on drugs" as more than 25,000 in the last five years, although US border authorities put the figure at closer to 84.1 million. Mexico sees the lion's share of the violence since it shares a long border with the US. This, and other factors such as poverty, and years of suffering with stupid stereotypes about wide-rimmed hats, have brought about a modern Mexico that is fraught with domestic problems, and its military police are known to be corrupt on many levels. Despite the 1.3 billion dollars that the US provides annually to Mexico in aid for this war on drugs, not to mention all the other backhanders and military assistance that they give behind the scenes, nothing seems to work.
Desperate, the Mexican government turned to God for help, and the Catholic Church has stepped in with a brilliant solution. They have sent magical items that will be used in healing rituals across Mexico. A vial of blood from the Late Pope John Paul II, alongside his scullcap, mobile phone and favorite copy of Choirboy magazine, have all recently arrived in Mexico and been viewed and blessed by the president, Felipe Calderon. There is also a model of the late Pope that was kindly lent by Madame Tussaud's waxwork museum in London, with the strict understanding that if it comes back riddled with bulletholes, "it's more than me jobsworth me old mucka."The next stage is to take the relics to places of unrest and run the healing rituals. There will be many different types of these. Chief witchcraft officer Antonia Javez guides us through one of them: "The relics will be placed on top of a waxwork of John Paul, laying upon a sacred sedan chair in a dark room, lit around with many candles. Though not enough that the model will melt. Healing prayer in the original latin will be sung to the relics so that they soak up the voices of woe and love from around the congregation. Sparked with the touch of God, Jesus and of course, the Virgin Mary, a ressurection of the late Pope will arise and sit in the sedan chair. He will send messages of healing and love all around him. Then we will parade into the gangland slums. The men with guns will think we are getting in the way of their business and start shooting, but with the power of John Paul we will be blessed and nothing can harm us.
"We are so poor from all the fighting, this is our only hope," Javez explains. "I have to send all my seven children out to work just so we can eat. May the blessed John Paul answer our prayers and stop the fighting. And tell us he was just joking about the condoms."The organisers acknowledge that it could be tricky to achieve something that has tried and tested the minds of resources of hundreds of powerful leaders, military tacticians and strategists over the years, simply by chanting some meaningless mumbo-jumbo in a dead language and waving around a few bits of cloth and blood from a dude who died years ago. But they are optimistic.
If successful in stopping the war on drugs, there are big plans to continue the witchcraft project by obtaining the blood of other famous people so that their ressurected spirits can inspire their nation. The list includes Hugo Chavez, Venezualan president, and Shakira, who is considered to have a nice arse.
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