Solstice

1. Celestial event brought about by a combination of the earth's rotation round the sun and the tilt of the angle of the earth's equatorial plane. Over the course of  a solar year, the latitude on the earth above which the sun directly shines moves from 23 and a half degrees north (the tropic of cancer) to the same position south (the tropic of capricorn). The solstices on June 21^st and December 21^st mark, respectively, the northernmost and southernmost points of this apparent journey of the sun across the sky. The equinoxes, on March 21^st and September 21^st, mark the points when the sun is directly above the equator.

The practical upshot of this is that the angle of the sun in the sky changes, to a greater or lesser extend depending upon latitude; and the range of stars visible changes also.

The variation in the angle of the sun in the sky at different times of the year is the most direct cause of the changes in the seasons. For example, in the northern hemisphere on the December solstice, the sun is low in the sky and it is winter. On the June solstice the sun is high in the sky and it is summer. It also affects the length of the days, which effect increases exponentially with latitude. The solstice is the shortest or the longest day of the year: at the tropics, the summer solstice day is only an hour or two longer than the winter solstice day, whereas at 50 degrees latitude, the difference is about 8 hours.

2. The second definition of a solstice is that it is an excuse for  hippies to have a party and worship a variety of mystical things. Evidenced vaguely on the back of a few neolithic buildings that appear to have a solstice marker built in, and a few ancient scriptures that encourage solstice worship wrapped in layers of metaphor, such people believe that the ancients worshipped the solstices above all other events, and that to do so is fundamental to our place in the universe. Some believe it is sacreligious and dishonorable not to do so. As a result, such people are often to be seen hanging around at places like Stonehenge in the middle of the night waiting to watch the solstice sun rise over the stones. What they expect to happen at these places, apart from the sun rising as normal, is a mystery. What is slightly less mysterious is that the summer solstice at Stonehenge attracts many more people than the winter solstice....

Quote from a solstice 'sermon' by the Unitarian Universalists:

“This is the stillness behind motion, when time itself stops; the center which is also the circumference of all. Now darkness triumphs; and yet, gives way and changes into light. We will be awake in the dark. We will call the sun from the womb of night. As we celebrate the solstice we join across time and space all the festivals of light emerging from the dark.”

Sounds very mystical and yoghurty to me. The winter solstice is also of astrological significance, being the time when "saggitarius" moves into "capricorn".

It is generally agreed that Christmas was timed to both continue some of the traditions of, yet overshadow, the pagan festival that once marked the solstice.

The winter solstice is also seen as the birthday of the Buddha, a time to celebrate the cycle of birth and death, the death-day of Osiris, the beginning of the time of the serpent days, the beginning of the month of the birch, the best day of the year for introspection and future planning, and the best day of the year to become a vampyre. Oh and it's the specific end date for the Mayan calendar, when we will reach the end of the world/eschaton/massive shift in global consciousness, or whatever it is. But that's just this year, 2012. Just to be clear, that will not happen every winter solstice. Which is lucky.

There is no doubt that the solstice is an important astronomical event which is a significant marker in the process of the solar year. If you don't live in the tropics, that is. If you live in the tropics the solstice makes precisely bugger all difference to your life, because in the tropics it is hot all the year round and the days are about the same length. Ooh, and more than quarter of the world's population live in the tropics.

It is also clear that centuries of religious and ritualistic practice have been ascribed and attributed to the solstices, the scope of which I have only touched on here. Believe what you like, but the only things that are certain about the solstices are described in the first definition.

"Merrick" by Anne Rice - Book review

This novel is a magnificently ornate story of magic, supernatural beings and love. Actually it's mostly about love. I recommend it to anyone interested in yoghurt weaving.

When I first discovered that Merrick involves vampires, I almost shut the book immediately, since I generally find vampire tales to be either woefully predictable or nauseatingly gothic, or both. However, this book was a pleasant surprise because it filled neither of these qualities. The fact that a number of the main characters are vampires is important, but it doesn't dominate the story. Instead, the story is about a young woman, who has powerful magic – and her relationship with a much older man, her ward in fact – who happens to be one of said vampires.

Now I said that the book is not nauseatingly gothic, but be warned there is still a great deal of rich and colourful romantic language. The narrator goes on and on about Merrick's tender shapely breasts and her delicate clothes and her exquisite character that he loves so tenderly. A great deal of love flows between many of the main characters, which is beautiful, but in places it is also dark and twisted.

We see the vampires in action, feeding on the blood of the dregs of society; we see the witch in action, summoning the spirits of her dead sister (wonderfully named “Honey in the Sunshine”) and others; we see magical objects, such as a mask that allows one to see the dead; and all is watched over by the order of the Talamasca, a rich and powerful set of people who govern and look after the interests of all sorts of magical folk. One of the few gripes I have with the story is that I would have liked to have seen more direct involvement from these people.

I found it easy to follow, despite the fact that it jumps from one time frame to another quite a lot, as it is almost always focused and there are few characters.

All in all, an excellent read if you can put up with the romantic language that dominates it.

Someone else wants land in Israel

Playmobil model of the proposed structure, yesterday

There are two main schools of thought on the origin of life on Earth. Some people believe that it was created by a divine being, also known as "God", others assert that it arose gradually from the primordial soup and developed by the process of evolution. There is another theory. Aliens designed it, using genetic engineering techniques. This is the belief of members of Raelianism. They also believe that they should be granted a large chunk of land near Jerusalem...

So in arguments about how life arose, common issues always arise. The creationists say that God created life. In their minds, that is the only possible explanation, because it says so in their holy books. Also, with the main alternative being evolutionary theory, it just must be God's work! Life is too complex to have arisen by chance. I mean look at that bacterial motor.
The Darwinists, on the other hand, have many decades of hard biological experiments, demonstrating time and time again the truths within the theory of evolution. No scientific evidence of God has been found anywhere, ever. They haven't proven evolution 100%, and frankly they are way off describing how life could have begun, but they are pretty damn sure they are in the right ball park.

Raelianism is a bit like creationism but does not rely on deities. Instead, the belief is that life on Earth was created about 35000 years ago by a race of aliens called Elohim. They, in turn, were created by some other aliens, and so on ad infinitum. A convenient theory, as you don't have to explain away Gods with supernatural powers, or provide ultimate proof of a fantastic theory like the rise of life from the primordial soup. You just have to believe in aliens, and many people find it easier to believe in aliens than in  Gods. In fact, plenty of scientists believe in aliens. In Raelian philosophy, evolution occurs when one species creates the next in a test tube.

Similar to all the best obscure beliefs, this one started with a man alone in the mountains. I mean, it had to be, right? These things always happen where no one else can see. It's never in the middle of a shop, or on the number 6 bus. The founder of the religion was a Frenchman named Claude Vorilhon. Primed perfectly in his early years for a life as a spiritual leader, having been a slightly unsuccessful racing car driver for a number of years; and blessed with the necessary edge of paranoia, being both Jewish and French, he was the perfect person to start a new religion. So on this particular day in 1973, (he neglects to mention in his book what quantity of psilocybin he ingested on that morning) he was walking on a volcano in some obscure region of south-central France, when he met an alien who told him he had been chosen. And the aliens were desperate for him to spread the word about their benevolent love and the message that they are our creators. So naturally they gave him all sorts of proof of their existence? Well, not really, no. In fact they didn't even allow him to take photos of them or their equipment. Nor tell him how any of it works, nor even say where they were from. Instead, they quoted the bible at him, and explained how they were responsible for much of what happened in it.

See, Elohim is the Hebrew word for "God" or Gods, but according to Vorillhon it has been mistranslated. It actually means, "comedy four foot tall alien, in stereotypical 1960s flying saucer, who exists only in the mind of a delusional racing car driver." He claims that they planned and designed life on Earth. Oh, and Moses, Jesus,  Buddha and any other influential religious figure you might happen to think of, were all sent by them. Except Popes. They chose now to come and communicate with us because we have reached a suitable technological level to be able to understand the genetic engineering involved. They didn't appear to the whole world, or even just to world leaders, with these revelations - because they were worried about hostility. Instead, they decided to entrust the whole thing to one slightly neurotic racing car driver, who they nicknamed "Rael". It is his mission to convince the world of the message of the Elohim, and only when most of the world are believers will they truly reveal themselves. Oh, and, when their embassy is created.

Some crop circles are thought to be made by the Elohim

That's right, embassy. Part of Vorillhon's mission is not only to persuade the world that the Elohim are coming, he also has to design and build a welcoming space in the form of an embassy, on neutral territory, with neutral airspace. Effectively, a mini country. The proposed embassy is about 350 hectares, some 8 times larger than the Vatican. There are drawings and visions of the place which were inspired by Crop Circles, Scifi films and PlayMobil toys. It has a UFO pad for the Elohim to land their ship on and dome-like spaces that give it the feel of a moonbase.
Where do they want this? Somewhere remote, where conflict between people is a distant memory, somewhere people will welcome these peaceful newcomers into their lands? No, they want it in Israel, about 5 miles north of Jerusalem. Apparently the Jews are the direct descendants of "the children born of the unions between the sons of Elohim and the daughters of men," as opposed to cloned animals like the rest of humanity, so the Elohim want the Embassy to be in the Promised Land amongst the chosen people. However, if Israel refuses to grant permission for the embassy to be built, then the Jews will be smited forever and the Elohim will just find another chosen people. In any case, when the Elohim arrive, sometime between now and 2035, only the most enthusiastic supporters of Rael will be worthy.
To this end, Vorillhon has officially applied to the State of Israel for this land on many occasions, and made appeals to the chief Rabbis to persuade them that he is the Messiah. (Including a brilliant bit about Hitler starting the holocaust because he had a vision of Vorillhon's coming - he was born in France in 1946). He points out the massive benefits to the local tourist industry if the appeal is granted. He says that if the land is not granted, then the Jews will once again be dispersed, with great suffering.
However, he also chose a swastika emblazoned within a Star of David as the Raelians' official symbol and states in no uncertain terms the Elohim's disgust at the current state of Israel and its stance against Palestine. In separate writings, he states that the Jews were dispersed and punished in the first place, by the Elohim, because they didn't believe in Jesus. So he's not really bending over backwards to win their hearts and minds, frankly. Effectively he's telling the Jews that they need to buck their ideas up.Needless to say the Israeli authorities have been less than forthcoming about granting Vorillhon's request.  Meanwhile, terrorist groups worldwide have offered him billions of dollars, and more virgins than you can shake a stick at, should he succeed in getting the land he wants...

Last year it was announced that talks are already underway with China, which has the highest concentration of reported UFO sightings in the world. Israel had better hurry up and grant them what they want, or the Chinese will get all the glory...

His main persuasion technique is rather flimsy. Alongside cheesy soundbites such as:

Be aware that the name "Rael" is the root of the word "Israel" and without roots, the tree cannot live...

...he states that everything the Elohim have told him  is backed up by "all the ancient religious writings, legends, traditions, as well as modern science." Naturally, all of these documents are in harmony with each other. I mean, no one could argue that the Bible is at odds with, say, modern Palaeontology, could they? They just different sides of the same coin, needing this final piece of the puzzle so that they make sense together.

"The Raelian philosophy is one of understanding and not believing, that's why Rael himself asks you not to believe him blindly but to do your own research and see if the pieces of the puzzle match for you."
Oh, I see! Its about understanding! Well that's OK then. For a minute there I thought he was asking people to believe in an obscure bunch of people who want their own territory in the Middle East, just on blind faith. I mean, that would be stupid, right?

The Elohim have hoodies and goaties, but are not thought to be teenagers.

Over the years he has brought more attention to the Raelian movement with a series of elaborate publicity stunts and deliberate stirring of controversy. Largely because of these acts, membership in the movement has reached more than 80000 worldwidew in the past, though current estimates put the figure at closer to 60000. The most renowned of these publicity stunts was the announcement in 2002 of the first human clone, "Eve", by the company Clonaid which is run by Raelian member Briggitte Boisselier. It came only a few years after scientists announced the birth of Dolly, the world's first cloned sheep. Clonaid's announcement differed from the news about Dolly in two major respects. Firstly, the scientists who created Dolly published an open, peer-reviewed research article on the process, whereas Boissellier published only some insane gibberings in press interviews; secondly, Dolly was there for all to see whereas no one has met Eve. Ever. Even her parents. But obviously, no one questions that Eve is really a cloned human being. I mean, these people are scientists, right? Of course, Vorillhon denies any link between the Raelian movement and Clonaid, which just happens to have been founded by himself and run by one of the senior Bishops, and shares the same scientific goals...

Other stunts have included naked protesting, anti-Catholic demonstrations (such as burning crosses and handing out thousands of condoms in Catholic schools), and promotion of sexual liberty. Which also prompted arguments from the Catholics. In fact, they kind of hate Catholics with a passion, actually, which seems to contradict the Elohim's desire for peace amongst all men, but I'm no expert, I may be misinterpreting.

'E's not the messiah! He's a very naughty boy! (Sorry, had to get that line in somewhere...)

It's odd the way things can seem different depending on how you look at them. Raelianism seems like it's some harmless, benevolent hippies trying to reconnect with our long lost creators from across the Universe, but it's easy to see it as a madman trying to start his own country and pour flame on two of the world's major religions. But I'll say one thing for it. The idea that aliens created life is significantly more plausible than a divine creator. Then again, what's the difference?

Homeopathic vaccines

Vaccination has become more and more contraversial over the years, and people are becoming increasingly interested in alternative, less toxic means of preventing disease. Homeopathic practitioners have responded to this with a range of products that are completely safe and non-toxic. Other than a couple of slight drawbacks, they are an excellent holistic solution!

The human immune system has lots of different parts to it, including an entire chemical attack system, parts that produce an allergic reaction when appropriate (and sometimes when not appropriate) and little cells designed to heal wounds properly - but the most important part is the immune response. This is achieved sometimes by whole cells performing a range of functions in the fight, and sometimes by antibodies. The average human has thousands of different antibodies at any one time, each of which targets a specific type of foreign body. Foreign bodies can be viruses, bacteria, fungi, or all manner of dust, pollens or chemicals, which can enter the body in all sorts of different ways. Whenever a particular foreign body appears, it is recognised by a unique chemical marker called an antigen. On detection of this antigen, the body produces the correct antibody, which is chemically unique so as to specifically target that antigen (i.e. the two chemically bond together) and, in a nutshell, it destroys the foreign body.

Diagram of a typical antibody-antigen reaction.

Once the body has sucessfully "dealt with" a foreign body, using it's antibodies, it remembers how to make those antibodies so it can do so quickly next time. It's as if the body wrote itself a little program on how to deal with that problem, like an update to its antivirus software.
The body is capable of making new antibodies when it encounters foreign bodies that are new. This is the really clever bit. A healthy immune system can generate a whole new type of immune response every time there is a new foreign body - a strain of, flu for example - and fight it off. It is not 100% clear how this works but it is thought that the body pre-prepares millions of different types of immune response cells (i.e. B and T lymphocytes). The genetic diversity required to produce all these is explained by the process of V(D)J recombination. When an infection occurs, one or a number of these are able to bond, with an antibody-antigen reaction - this then triggers the production of many more of that type of cell.

A vaccine is a medical intervention, normally in the form of an injection, that makes the patient immune, or partially immune to a disease. It works by stimulating the body's immune system, as described above, to improve its response to that particular disease. To use the computer virus analogy, it is like updating the virus database. Vaccines come in many forms, but they almost all have the same basis - to expose an antigen to the body so that it knows how to fight the disease if it occurs.

A common form of vaccine is to use a weakened version of the pathogen that causes the disease. Examples are the vaccines for measles and TB. Live vaccines are generally the most effective vaccines as they provide the immune system with the "closest match".
Killed vaccines are organisms that have been heat-treated, such as the hepatitis B vaccine. These are not so effective as the particles have been partly denatured, meaning that on some particles the antigen will not be structurally sound, so the immune response is less specific.
Some vaccines are composed only of cellular fragments. For example, to make the one for bacterial meningitis, the polysaccharide antigen, that protrudes from the cell membranes, is isolated.

For a long time now there has been controversy around vaccines since there are an increasingly large number of them (For example, in the 1980s, children in the US were typically given about ten different ones; nowadays they get more than thirty), and there have been many media scares stories. Parents worry when they see their one year old child being injected with a cocktail of drugs that they don't understand, and they saw on the news that it causes autism.  People question why the government forces toxic drugs upon them and their families. Conspiracy theorists go one step further: they are convinced that the government are deliberately poisoning us, and that we have all been living in a Matrix-style psychedelic dreamworld since birth, and the injections are just to boost the psychedelic response. And the aliens that really control the world are doing experiments on us to see how well we would live on their planet. Apparently.
In the meantime, no one has smallpox anymore, although this could be because doctors started washing their hands.

Some of these are legitimate concerns. Do not think for one minute that vaccines, as they stand, are great, because they're not. There is certainly need for change.

Homeopathic vaccines have been purported as that necessary change For, as you may have guessed if you have some previous understanding of homeopathy, (see my previous article if you want a quick revision) homeopathic vaccines do not work in the same way as those described above at all. Instead of containing a viable sample of an antigen for the disease to the body, such that the body produces its own immunity to the disease: the homeopathic vaccines contain precisely fuck-all. Just some sugar and crystalline stuff to pack it into a pill. The invading bacterial or fungal cell will probably just gobble up these sugar molecules as a tasy lunch before doing a bit more damage.

In fact, these vaccines work by sheer luck, in that when functioning correctly, the person being vaccinated either never catches that disease, or manages to fight it off without the help of a vaccine. OK, I'll admit, divine intervention is also a possibility but even if that happens it's probably not related to the homeopathic tablets.

Homeopathic immunization, also known as homeoprophylaxis, has apparently been around for 200 years, but oddly no one had really heard of it until just recently. It is sold strongly on the safety aspects - no side effects, no pains, no toxic adjuvants etc. Great, yes, we know, taking sugar pills is safe (unless one is diabetic).
They also claim to be able to immunise against diseases for which western medicine has not yet found a vaccine, such as Meningitis B. The homeopathic preparations are typically derived from what are called nosodes, which are biological samples extracted from infectious body sites in an infected patient such as pustules or sputum. The way these are stored and prepared into stock homeopathic medicines is something of a mystery, especially as the finished products are supposed to last 30 years or more. But only if you store them in the dark, away from electrical or magnetic fields, never touch them, refrain from using the words "Louis Pasteur" within 24 feet of the bottle, and never allow negative "energy" into the room. Then they might go off. You have been warned.

Of course homeopathists would fiercely deny that the vaccines contain nothing, arguing that the essence of the disease has been potentised and energised into the finished product: especially since these vaccines are usually diluted by 10 to the power 200. Yes, that's greater than the equivalent of one atom in the number of atoms in the observable universe. I'm not going to go into all the arguments about why this is bullshit, because they're just the same as the ones for normal homeopathic medicines.

Just remember, parents. The chemical vaccines may be dodgy but they do have very high success rates. If you choose Homeopathic vaccines you can be assured that they are incredibly safe, and your child's immune system probably will genuinely become better for the absence of working vaccines. Furthermore, you might get a good holistic diagnosis of your child's spiritual wellbeing (if you pay hundreds of dollars for a very good homeopathist, that is); but there are two main downsides. The first is that these vaccines have no effect at all. Second, if you live in the western world it is likely your child will be excluded from school and from travel to foreign countries, you will be accused of child abuse, and people will think you are a witch.

Witchcraft is new technique in war on drugs

Thanks to the Richard Dawkins Foundation for highlighting this one.

For many decades, cocaine smuggling has brought untold suffering to south and central America. Some of the best places to grow cocaine plants are in South America, and some of the biggest markets for the stuff are in the USA. Because cocaine is illegal, this has resulted in huge amounts of gang violence in the name of control of this illicit trade. The authorities in the various countries in which this violence takes place are seemingly powerless to stop it (some might argue that the whole "war against drugs" is pretty pointless, but that subject is for another day).

In Mexico, for example, even conservative estimates toll the number of killings in this "war on drugs" as more than 25,000 in the last five years, although US border authorities put the figure at closer to 84.1 million. Mexico sees the lion's share of the violence since it shares a long border with the US. This, and other factors such as poverty, and years of suffering with stupid stereotypes about wide-rimmed hats, have brought about a modern Mexico that is fraught with domestic problems, and its military police are known to be corrupt on many levels. Despite the 1.3 billion dollars that the US provides annually to Mexico in aid for this war on drugs, not to mention all the other backhanders and military assistance that they give behind the scenes, nothing seems to work.

Desperate, the Mexican government turned to God for help, and the Catholic Church has stepped in with a brilliant solution. They have sent magical items that will be used in healing rituals across Mexico. A vial of blood from the Late Pope John Paul II, alongside his scullcap, mobile phone and favorite copy of Choirboy magazine, have all recently arrived in Mexico and been viewed and blessed by the president, Felipe Calderon. There is also a model of the late Pope that was kindly lent by Madame Tussaud's waxwork museum in London, with the strict understanding that if it comes back riddled with bulletholes, "it's more than me jobsworth me old mucka."

The next stage is to take the relics to places of unrest and run the healing rituals. There will be many different types of these. Chief witchcraft officer Antonia Javez guides us through one of them: "The relics will be placed on top of a waxwork of John Paul, laying upon a sacred sedan chair in a dark room, lit around with many candles. Though not enough that the model will melt. Healing prayer in the original latin will be sung to the relics so that they soak up the voices of woe and love from around the congregation. Sparked with the touch of God, Jesus and of course, the Virgin Mary, a ressurection of the late Pope will arise and sit in the sedan chair. He will send messages of healing and love all around him. Then we will parade into the gangland slums. The men with guns will think we are getting in the way of their business and start shooting, but with the power of John Paul we will be blessed and nothing can harm us.
"We are so poor from all the fighting, this is our only hope," Javez explains. "I have to send all my seven children out to work just so we can eat. May the blessed John Paul answer our prayers and stop the fighting. And tell us he was just joking about the condoms."

The organisers acknowledge that it could be tricky to achieve something that has tried and tested the minds of resources of hundreds of powerful leaders, military tacticians and strategists over the years, simply by chanting some meaningless mumbo-jumbo in a dead language and waving around a few bits of cloth and blood from a dude who died years ago. But they are optimistic.

If successful in stopping the war on drugs, there are big plans to continue the witchcraft project by obtaining the blood of other famous people so that their ressurected spirits can inspire their nation. The list includes Hugo Chavez, Venezualan president, and Shakira, who is considered to have a nice arse.

The world is going to end on october 16th 2011

I hope you are ready. Some people have been preparing for this event for months - building concrete shelters, contacting their loved ones, stocking up on food/cannabis/antipsychotic meds, but most importantly, posting videos about it on the internet.

For let it be known that, sooner or later, the apocalypse is upon us, for Nibiru - the 12th planet of the Solar System, will soon make it's cataclysmic approach close to Earth, where it passes by every 3600 years. Either this year or next year, by all accounts. And it will cause a major catastrophe. It may even strike the earth causing an extinction level event.



Apparently, Nibiru is a planet about 4 times the size of Earth, though the details vary depending upon who you listen to. Some people reckon it is actually a brown dwarf (significantly larger than Jupiter) and has it's own satellite planets. Others still reckon that one of these satellite planets will collide with the Earth. More recently people have started believing it is actually just a comet. More on this later.

Many people claim to have already observed Nibiru in the sky and have posted videos and star charts. However the real leaders in the field are the ones talking to the aliens.
Oh, didn't I mention that bit? Yes, Nibiru is populated by a race of aliens, with whom humans have shared information and resources on past flybys. Some people even think that humanity came from there in the first place. The coming of Nibiru will bring about this big old "consciousness shift" that everyone keeps talking about in the same breath as "Mayan end date"/"Age of Aquarius" (delete as appropriate). Of course the Mayans knew all about Nibiru too, as did the Egyptians and, ooh, half a dozen other ancient civilisations whose records and knowledge has mostly been lost. So we can't verify that they knew, we'll just have to rely on faith. Oh.

Some other aliens involved in all this are the Zetans, and they host live chat sessions online via a woman in Wisconsin called Nancy Leider. Clearly, these aliens are benevolent and compassionate and are happy to tell us all sorts of secrets about science, and the way our planet works. It was they who first warned us about the coming of Nibiru. Obviously. They are not related to the Zutons. Or the Mysterons.

So, is Nibiru a planet, or a star, or what? There was a theory in astronomy, until relatively recently that the Sun had an undetected companion star called Nemesis, that periodically passed through the Oort cloud causing a bombardment of comets heading towards earth, roughly every 26 million years. However it's since been shown to be bollocks. Anyway, this is where the idea came from that Nibiru is a brown dwarf rather than an actual planet, even though the orbit periods are a little out of sync. Conspiracy nuts getting mixed up between the different astronomical concepts.

The most recent idea about Nibiru is the link with a comet which was discovered by Leonid Elenin in december of last year. This comet has a long elliptical orbit of 3,600 years and is passing through the inner solar system as we speak, for the first time since the age of the Babylonians. Naturally, when this discovery was made, it answered the prayers of many Nibiru believers, who have leapt upon the images and videos of the comet produced by NASA over the last few months and used some ridiculous pseudoscience/consipracy theory to justify why NASA are completely wrong about it. Some believe that the object is Nibiru, others believe it is one of Nibiru's satellites. Apparently, others just believe any old bullshit they read on the internet without really thinking it through, though I don't have any evidence for that.

According to NASA this is a rather typical comet, being about three miles in diameter and composed mostly of ice, with no magnetic field or heat sources. At this distance, the comet will have about the same gravitational effect on the earth as, say, a car. It will make its closest pass to the Earth in the middle of October, when it will be around 0.23 AU away.  NASA are, even as I write, beginning a series of orbital telescope observations of the comet and are very excited by the opportunity to study it.

The theory goes that, far from being a comet, this object (whose working name is C/2010 X1) is actually a brown dwarf star with a mass thousands of times that of the earth. The fact that the object is not yet visible to the naked eye, and that resultant perturbations in the orbital fields of the inner planets have not been seen, is lightly brushed aside by the believers. Apparently the object was in alignments with the Earth and other planets at two key times recently that coincided with the earthquakes in Japan and New Zealand. At the time of the Japan event, the object was only 6AU distant from the Earth. The next planetary alignment involving the object will occur on september 26th; the closest the object will be to the Earth is 0.23AU which will occur on october 16th. Given the size of the Japan and NZ earthquakes, believers reckon that these dates will see massive devastation across the Earth and some (including these Zetans) predict a pole shift.

The theories and ideas surounding Nibiru, Elenin and related phenomena are extremely varied. However, one thing unites them all. That is that all reputable astronomers think it's a load of horseshit.
They've never found one shred of evidence for a large planet in the outer solar system; they don't think any planet could have an orbit like the one purported for Nibiru (which is supposed to lie in a plane at an acute angle to the main plane of the solar system) ; they've discounted the Nemesis theory (which was only based on flimsy geological data anyway) and they have proven that the object C/2010 X1 has no significant mass and behaves like a normal comet. Furthermore, the idea that any kind of heavenly body alignment can cause earthquakes was bogus from the start: they are caused by tectonic plate shifts, and nothing short of a major planetary collision will really make a difference. Not some little snowball that we can't even see without telescopes.

Gallifrey returns in Doctor Who - an inspiration for eschatologists?

When asked why these theories appear to contradict the message put out by the experts, believers all say the same thing. "It's a cover up, innit." Well, bugger me, I'd never have expected that! Something we can't explain, ooh, it must be covered up by the government, yes, that's always what happens, that way we don't need to prove anything. Yes, NASA are hiding the truth and putting out false data because they don't want panic to rise. (Well, perhaps the Illuminati are controlling NASA and it's them who are witholding the information. Just like that giant demigod that lives under the Arctic they've been hiding from us all). The authorities have known about this for years, being in communication themselves with these Zetans and have planned for their own survival (there are hilarious videos of some alien giving a press conference to world leaders) and there is nothing the likes of you and I can do except spread the word and stay safe. And post paranoid videos on the internet.

So there you have it readers. Major Earthquakes on September 26th and possible destruction of humanity on October 16th. All sounds a little apocalyptic, really, doesn't it? There's only 5 weeks to go. And here's me living in a major Earthquake zone. Still, enough time to get a few more blogs in....

Actually in all seriousness, if there really is a major earthquake on September 26th, maybe I'll start believing in some of this stuff. But Global Consciousness Shifts? Perhaps if this natural disaster wipes out all the TV stations in the world...More likely though, these dates will come and go, nothing significant will happen, and the Nibiru believers will say, "well, y'know, we were wrong about the comet, but Nibiru is definitely still out there and it's comin' next year..."!

Lawn obsession

I am interested in plants. I like gardening and making things grow. I like looking at plants and thinking about their role in nature. The way each has its own unique role it has carved into its local ecosystem; they way some are highly specialised in their niches whereas others are very adaptable. I like the way each individual place has its own unique variety of flora that make their home there, depending upon the climate, animal life, local geology and soil conditions.

Gardeners have many reasons for organising their gardens the way they do. Some of the main outcomes people strive for when planning and maintaining their garden are making a beautiful landscape (e.g. roses), growing food (e.g. beans), medicine (e.g. aloe vera), attracting insects (various flowers); attracting birds (bushes and trees), creating shade (large trees) and so on and so on.

The wise gardener chooses plants that thrive in their local environment (according to the local conditions) that will meet some of the desired outcomes. For example, in a hot and wet environment, coconuts can grow well, and are used as both a food and medicine; but planting them somewhere cold is a waste of time. Similarly, sweet chestnuts grow better in cooler, northern climes but don't really enjoy the heat.

There is one type of plant that can adapt to almost all of the world's climates - grass. This is because there are many different varieties of it. Lots of them are adapted as food plants, such as wheat and rye. Some varieties are green and lush looking; these grow all over the wild in places where there is a lot of rain. In dry climates, browner, more brittle varieties prevail.

So when the wise gardener decides that they want to have some grassland as part of their garden, you would think they would choose these local varieties to put in their garden. Here in California, these might be Blue Oat Grass or Deer Grass. These are the kind of grasses that thrive in the local natural environment. Even with a tiny amount of rainfall and sweltering sun all year round, they thrive. But oh no. Instead of settling for a sustainable lawn that is in keeping with the local landscape and ecosystem, rather like this one:

They instead go for this kind of crap:

 

In a rainy country like England, this is the kind of lawn you get if you just leave the grass to do it's own thing, and cut it every now and then. Ideal. Not the case, however, in a dry country. Now, I don't want you to think that I'm judging people for their taste. If they think this kind of lawn looks attractive then that's fine. Personally, I do like the colour, but plenty of other plants can bring this kind of green and the shape and smell of these plants is particularly dull. 

But the fact is that maintaining a lawn that looks like this, in an environment where the grass would rather be brown and scraggy, is just stupid. It takes gallons of water per day, for a start. Also, green grass just doesn't meet any of the other usual outcomes that gardeners tend to want out of plants. You can't eat it, it's no good as medicine, it doesn't provide shade, it does very little to condition the soil, it doesn't really attract any wildlife and the vast majority of people who have these expertly manicured green lawns don't even go outside and sit on the bloody things!

Southern California imports a huge percentage of its water from the north of the State. About half of the water arriving through the tap in San Diego or Los Angeles has travelled more than 400 miles, over mountains, through a piped network that uses about 6.5% of the state's electricity output to maintain. Three quarters of the state's agriculture is grown in the dryest part of the state. This is madness. But even that's not so mad as lawns. At least growing crops is useful. You get food from it. What exactly do you get from your lush green lawn?

It's not just the water, either. Maintaining a perfect looking lawn requires the use of a whole host of power tools, as well as fertilizers and herbicides. For a start there's the sprinkler systems that are buried into the ground, only to start leaking a few years down the line; they are power hungry and gush out gallons of water. Also, they are frequently installed badly so as to create more waste. A variety of petrol-driven mowers, edge trimmers and leaf-blowers are used weekly on each lawn, by people who spend their lives driving round suburbia in large pick-up trucks going from lawn to lawn, constantly burning huge amounts of fuel and frightening off all the garden animals, to maintain this image of suburban pefection.

Why do they use those blowers? Why, why, why? Using leaf mulch is one of the easiest and most effective methods of maintaining soil quality in the garden. Just leave them where they land and they make the garden better. You stupid bastards, blowing them away from the garden then scooping them up into the landfill? Madness.

The obsession also leads to the use of huge amounts of herbicides, insecticides and fertilizers, which can poison many other plants as well as local animals, your dog and the next-door neighbour's cat. These chemicals kill off any beneficial micro-organisms in the soil, and in general fuck up the biodeversity massively, thus making the lawn owner absolutely reliant on these products they are using to feed the obsession. It's almost exactly like drug addiction.

What drives someone to become so obsessed? It starts with homeowner's pride in the look of the front garden, then develops into a compulsive desire to get every patch of the lawn looking perfect, no matter what the cost. Those affected are usually men in the 40s and 50s (and there are rehabilitation groups.) They'll be out there every 5 minutes, checking each blade of grass is the right shape and colour and starting to worry if they find bits that have fallen in "quality."

I'll just end by mentioning sports fields briefly. Some sports require grass - football, for example. Sports events are hugely important socially and economically and in terms of lawn obsession, well I'll turn a blind eye. The amount of benefit you get out of a large sports stadium greatly outweighs the problems from maintaining the lawn. However there is one notable exception to this which is, of course, golf. In the desert. You may be aware that golf courses require lawns that are obsessively manicured and watered.
Yes, I did say golf courses. In the FUCKING DESERT. Just LOOK AT IT!

Notice the intense difference between the course and the rest of the landscape? It's like another planet has been terrorformed.This is an obscene raping of the landscape, in a town called Palm Springs, which is a desert resort. OK, I'll bend a little. It's a resort. People wanna play their favorite game when they're on holiday. Whatever. Have a golf course in Palm Springs. Oh, more than one you say?

There are at least a dozen golf courses in Palm Springs. Who plays on them? Oh, just a small handful of rich bastards who run banks.


Totally fucking bonkers.

Unitarian Universalists

This church was formed in 1961 from two other churches, called the Unitarians and the Universalists. Clearly they spent a long time thinking about the new title. Both of these churches were traditionally Christian but nowadays, UU is not about Christianity at all.
In fact, these guys are pretty open-minded about their religious beliefs. They don't really have anything solid, you see, just some vague, wishy washy spiritual stuff about following our unique spiritual path in togetherness. And stuff. And they welcome Christians, Buddhists, Atheists and even Pagans into the fold. The aim of the church is to get people together to follow their spirituality in multiple ways, which, lets face it, is great! What a brilliant idea for a church! Way to get as many members as you can. Anyone is welcome as long as they can uphold some basic principles of respect, dignity, democracy and peace.

These people are serious hippies! Amazingly,
 - They explicitly state that Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgendered people are completely welcome at all levels within the church;
 - They have an active environmental protection campaign known as the UU Ministry for Earth and dozens of their congregations have been accredited as "green sanctuaries";
- They also campaign for the rights of immigrants in the US;
- Their education program for children includes topics such as "Love all around us", "Journeys of the Spirit", "Circle of trees",
- and, the principles of UU draw from, amongst other things, "Direct experience of that transcending mystery and wonder, affirmed in all cultures, which moves us to a renewal of the spirit and an openness to the forces which create and uphold life."

They also clearly recognise that religion does not have all the answers to the mysteries of the Universe, just the same as the fact that Science does not. This is simply amazing stuff! 

Some of the language is quite yoghurty, mind, and there are some dubious ideas surrounding the religion. For example, they talk about having "worship" as part of the ceremonies, but it's not clear who or what is being worshipped. Instead, they just tell you what to wear, where to park, and what will happen. I guess they mean for people to worship whatever they feel like worshipping, and listen to the sermon - which is probably good if it's anything like the stuff on the website. There is a UU dating site. Of course they state that it's not a dating site but what else can be implied by "This is not a dating site, but a place for single UUs to meet and discuss life....we prefer to keep this group for adults only although we are an inclusive group."?

This UU centre in North Los Angeles is specialised for people who worship onions.

 One particularly pleasingly yoghurty idea is the Flower communion. This is a religious holiday in early Spring, during which members bring in a flower, usually one that they like in particular which is added to a special bouquet. This bouquet, as well as creating a health and safety nightmare for hayfever sufferers, represents the diversity of the people and the beliefs that come together to make the church. UU's also recognise various Christian, Jewish and other religious holidays, Earth Day, and Martin Luther King day; and readers of my book may remember that they also celebrate the solstices.

Some people argue that UU should not be called a religion at all, since there are no core beliefs, and believe that the UUs only claim to be a religion to benefit from the resultant tax-exemption.This may or may not be true.
John Broken Willow argues that this is the best religion he has ever come across, since it preaches good human ethics without spouting loads of mubo jumbo bullshit at people to keep them interested.

Flash Forward

This is a TV show that is a must-see for any fans of supernatural yoghurty weirdy stuff. Frankly I'm amazed I never heard of it until now. It's really good drama with some spirituality, destiny, strange cults and synchronicity.

IMDB Linky 

The basic premise is set at the beginning - a global catastrophe that involves the entire population of the world experiencing a blackout at precisely the same moment, for the same length of time. Then it transpires that as well as blacking out, everyone also has a vision of the future. The same time, 6 months in the future. Well, almost everyone. Some people do not have visions, does this mean that they will be dead in 6 months? Or something else?

So, global culture changes overnight as people ask themselves, and each other, questions around this. Did God cause it? Is human destiny set in stone or can it be changed? Why did I see those things, what does the message mean? Did God cause this? If not, who did? And, will this future happen only because I have seen it and want now to work towards it?
Some respond to this by starting cults, taking a whole new direction in life. Some desperaqtely try to stop their visions from happening, but it inexplicably seems that no matter what they do they are merely making the vision more and more certain.

The main characters centre around a team in the FBI who are investigating what happened, and various people around them whose lives become synchronously intertwined. As the plot thickens, and the investigation travels to far-slung corners of the world, the depth of the phenomenon becomes more and more mind-blowing.

Thoroughly entertaining, not popular enough, great show!

Gay therapy

************************ This article is not suitable for children. ***************************

What, you may well ask, is gay therapy?
Perhaps it is a kind of complementary healing designed to enhance one's sexual connection to the divine, using chakra yoga, and tailored specifically to homosexuality? No. Not that.

Perhaps it is a kind of blend of psychotherapy and Shamanism, designed to help one explore one's homosexual feelings in a creative way and come to terms with one's sexuality comfortably? Sadly, no, it's not that either.

Perhaps then, it is a sort of talking therapy for people who are gay, struggling with issues around their sexuality and the intense amount of homophobia in the world? No, not that either, that's usually called gay counselling, or with more political correctness, LGBT counselling.

Gay therapy is something else. Gay therapy starts from the principle that homosexuality is an illness, and attempts to "cure" people of their gayness. People who have been through this process and go on to define themselves as heterosexual, are referred to as "ex-gay".
"I no longer have sexual feelings for men", reported Ben Odama. "Sometimes they look at me kind of cute, and I just wink at them. But I'm happily married now, to a woman called Bernie."

A brief summary of the situation might go like this. For centuries, the religions ruled the minds of the people and the politicians. What they said, happened. So when Leviticus asked us to smite the homos, that's exactly what a self-respecting citizen would do, so long as they wanted to stay out of the dungeons.
Nowadays, in the "western" world at least, the religious types don't have so much power and the world has started to notice that a significant percentage of the population are, in fact, gay. That's how they were made. Other animals have homosexuality too, it's just a fact of being a mammal. Decades of civil rights marches and Pride carnivals later, not to mention the movie "Brokeback Mountain", the situation is still tense and there is still huge amounts of homophobic violence, as well as verbal abuse and discrimination, but by and large, the western world is now a place where homosexuality is basically accepted, and gay people don't get thrown in prison anymore for holding hands in public. Of course this is not true world wide, and there are still dozens of countries that serve the death sentence for homosexuality, but this article is not going into that.
Realizing that they were losing their (firm) grip on the gay propaganda debacle, the churches started persuading gay people that, even though they were sinners against God, they could still be accepted into the church. After all, they couldn't turn away such a large percentage of their congregations could they? They'd lose a fortune in subscriptions.
So organisations like NARTH, JONAH, the Evergreen Foundation and Homosexuals Anonymous began to spring up. They have an umbrella group called PATH, which stands for People Against The Homos.
Make no mistake, all these people are fundamentalist religious types. They go on about how they are reputable therapists acting out of compassion for their clients, helping people to become better Christians/Jews/Muslims/Jedi. They tell clients that they can purge them of their sinful feelings and become purer. They tell the world that their clients voluntarily come to them because they can't bear to have these impure feelings anymore. The world sees people being brainwashed into getting the "treatment" because the other people in the church (and, basically, as a result, everyone in their life) tell them they are disgusting.
In fact, the whole culture of homophobia that still exists all over the world is driven by religious organisations, and it is largely as a result of this hateful non-acceptance that gay people struggle with their sexuality in the first place. The churches, having created this hatred, can now make use of it to shame people into stopping having homosexual relationships. Furthermore, huge amounts of cash can be made from all these bunk therapy sessions, residential treatments, book sales and all the other crap that goes alongside this ridiculous "therapy" that any sane person knows full well is a waste of time right from the start. I'm sure that the people who practice gay therapy know this also, but they will happily continue to provide it, for as long as their churches can bully people through the doors (sometimes as young as 3 years old) and keep the money coming in.
In the meantime the majority of people who have had such treatments are still gay, and it is easy to draw the conclusion that the ones who claim to be "ex-gay" have achieved some form of advanced repression to their sexuality, and suffer married life begrudgingly.

Inspired by the excellent Sacha Baran Cohen film "Bruno", We sent our mystery shopper, Rupert Bullyboy Willow, to a gay therapy session locally. This is what happened:

Rupert: So, I understand you can stop me fancying men.
Therapist: Absolutely.
How does it work then?
Well, we'll talk a little about what being gay means to you, then maybe we'll get an idea of how to proceed.
Sounds a bit vague. OK. Being gay means I fancy blokes. I fuck them up the arse and suck on their cocks. Most weekends when I was younger, I'd go clubbing, take loads of pills and have loads of filthy sex, but nowadays I tend to have quite nights in with me feller. However, some bloke in the pub told me that, despite being attracted to men for as long as I can remember, I've committed sins against Jesus and can only repent by becoming straight. Is that even possible?
Of course it's possible. Homosexuality is a choice.
No one gave me a choice, mate, I've never  fancied women. People like Pamela Anderson disgust me. I was born gay and that's all there is to it.
That is not true. You were made and brought into the world by God, who is perfect. He made everybody heterosexual as that is the perfect union required to make a family.
You don't think it was my parents who brought me into the world then?
Yes, but ultimately you came from God.
So he made me want to suck cocks.
No, he made you pure. Wanting to indulge in homosexual acts is impure. It came from somewhere else. Something in your early childhood. What do you remember about being young?
Oooh, you mean in relation to being gay? Well I liked the look of the milkman actually, when I was about 6. It wasn't really a sexual thing, I was too young, I just kind of wanted to be naked with him. Then there was the time when Mum put me and me mate Daz in the bath together. We were about 8. Anyway I got kind of hard and he was a bit freaked out, but he's me best mate still now. Straight as an arrow that one. That's when I knew really.
There must have been something before this depravity began that triggered it in your mind.
You mean when I was a baby? Nah, nothing sexual there. Just bottles and Calvin Klein nappies.
What kind of friendships did you have in early school? With girls, with boys?
I had lots of female friends and was quite popular in general, but the bullies - you know, the hard lads who went on to become gangsters - beat me up quite a lot. They thought I was a bit weird. I didn't understand why at the time but now I realise that I used to look at them kind of longingly. Not suprised it freaked them, out, really. Some of the boys were nice, me and Joseph used to hang around together a lot *sighs with a smile and happy memories of Joseph*.
So at what point did you realise you were different from these, er, bullies?
Probably when they used to talk about girls they thought were pretty and I laughed at them.
Why did you laugh?
Cos I thought those boys were pretty. Mate, this isn't going anywhere, can we try something else luv?
OK, I want you to think about times in your life when you have felt more normal. 
I am normal. Look, do you have any techniques that actually might work?
*Coughs* Well, erm, OK, we'll jump straight to your relationship with God. Tell me about that. 
He's some big guy up in the sky who loves everyone unconditionally.
That's right.
 So why does he want me to change then?
Because you have sinned.
Well, hello! Who hasn't? And you haven't convinced me yet that he made me straight.
We are all sinners, you are right. We all need to improve ourselves in our own ways.
Does your wife suck cock?
Excuse me?
Does she? If so, does that make her a sinner too? Does she need to improve? I could give her a few lessons if she likes... *winks*
*Ahem* As I was saying, homosexual acts are a sin and you can repent of those sins by immersing yourself in the body of Christ.
Sounds quite exciting.
I don't mean literally. I mean you need to accept Christ into your soul, body and mind and live his teachings and his actions.
OK, so I need to hang around mostly with other men, going out on fishing trips and so on? And not sleep with any women, but have a prostitute as a kind of pretend girlfriend?

Pause.
 OK, Mr Willow, I'm recommending you for a residential course of aversion therapy You'll be shown pictures of naked men and women with various amounts of eletricity being applied to your genitals.

For information about the campaign against gay therapy, check out: Truth Wins Out.