Someone else wants land in Israel

Playmobil model of the proposed structure, yesterday

There are two main schools of thought on the origin of life on Earth. Some people believe that it was created by a divine being, also known as "God", others assert that it arose gradually from the primordial soup and developed by the process of evolution. There is another theory. Aliens designed it, using genetic engineering techniques. This is the belief of members of Raelianism. They also believe that they should be granted a large chunk of land near Jerusalem...

So in arguments about how life arose, common issues always arise. The creationists say that God created life. In their minds, that is the only possible explanation, because it says so in their holy books. Also, with the main alternative being evolutionary theory, it just must be God's work! Life is too complex to have arisen by chance. I mean look at that bacterial motor.
The Darwinists, on the other hand, have many decades of hard biological experiments, demonstrating time and time again the truths within the theory of evolution. No scientific evidence of God has been found anywhere, ever. They haven't proven evolution 100%, and frankly they are way off describing how life could have begun, but they are pretty damn sure they are in the right ball park.

Raelianism is a bit like creationism but does not rely on deities. Instead, the belief is that life on Earth was created about 35000 years ago by a race of aliens called Elohim. They, in turn, were created by some other aliens, and so on ad infinitum. A convenient theory, as you don't have to explain away Gods with supernatural powers, or provide ultimate proof of a fantastic theory like the rise of life from the primordial soup. You just have to believe in aliens, and many people find it easier to believe in aliens than in  Gods. In fact, plenty of scientists believe in aliens. In Raelian philosophy, evolution occurs when one species creates the next in a test tube.

Similar to all the best obscure beliefs, this one started with a man alone in the mountains. I mean, it had to be, right? These things always happen where no one else can see. It's never in the middle of a shop, or on the number 6 bus. The founder of the religion was a Frenchman named Claude Vorilhon. Primed perfectly in his early years for a life as a spiritual leader, having been a slightly unsuccessful racing car driver for a number of years; and blessed with the necessary edge of paranoia, being both Jewish and French, he was the perfect person to start a new religion. So on this particular day in 1973, (he neglects to mention in his book what quantity of psilocybin he ingested on that morning) he was walking on a volcano in some obscure region of south-central France, when he met an alien who told him he had been chosen. And the aliens were desperate for him to spread the word about their benevolent love and the message that they are our creators. So naturally they gave him all sorts of proof of their existence? Well, not really, no. In fact they didn't even allow him to take photos of them or their equipment. Nor tell him how any of it works, nor even say where they were from. Instead, they quoted the bible at him, and explained how they were responsible for much of what happened in it.

See, Elohim is the Hebrew word for "God" or Gods, but according to Vorillhon it has been mistranslated. It actually means, "comedy four foot tall alien, in stereotypical 1960s flying saucer, who exists only in the mind of a delusional racing car driver." He claims that they planned and designed life on Earth. Oh, and Moses, Jesus,  Buddha and any other influential religious figure you might happen to think of, were all sent by them. Except Popes. They chose now to come and communicate with us because we have reached a suitable technological level to be able to understand the genetic engineering involved. They didn't appear to the whole world, or even just to world leaders, with these revelations - because they were worried about hostility. Instead, they decided to entrust the whole thing to one slightly neurotic racing car driver, who they nicknamed "Rael". It is his mission to convince the world of the message of the Elohim, and only when most of the world are believers will they truly reveal themselves. Oh, and, when their embassy is created.

Some crop circles are thought to be made by the Elohim

That's right, embassy. Part of Vorillhon's mission is not only to persuade the world that the Elohim are coming, he also has to design and build a welcoming space in the form of an embassy, on neutral territory, with neutral airspace. Effectively, a mini country. The proposed embassy is about 350 hectares, some 8 times larger than the Vatican. There are drawings and visions of the place which were inspired by Crop Circles, Scifi films and PlayMobil toys. It has a UFO pad for the Elohim to land their ship on and dome-like spaces that give it the feel of a moonbase.
Where do they want this? Somewhere remote, where conflict between people is a distant memory, somewhere people will welcome these peaceful newcomers into their lands? No, they want it in Israel, about 5 miles north of Jerusalem. Apparently the Jews are the direct descendants of "the children born of the unions between the sons of Elohim and the daughters of men," as opposed to cloned animals like the rest of humanity, so the Elohim want the Embassy to be in the Promised Land amongst the chosen people. However, if Israel refuses to grant permission for the embassy to be built, then the Jews will be smited forever and the Elohim will just find another chosen people. In any case, when the Elohim arrive, sometime between now and 2035, only the most enthusiastic supporters of Rael will be worthy.
To this end, Vorillhon has officially applied to the State of Israel for this land on many occasions, and made appeals to the chief Rabbis to persuade them that he is the Messiah. (Including a brilliant bit about Hitler starting the holocaust because he had a vision of Vorillhon's coming - he was born in France in 1946). He points out the massive benefits to the local tourist industry if the appeal is granted. He says that if the land is not granted, then the Jews will once again be dispersed, with great suffering.
However, he also chose a swastika emblazoned within a Star of David as the Raelians' official symbol and states in no uncertain terms the Elohim's disgust at the current state of Israel and its stance against Palestine. In separate writings, he states that the Jews were dispersed and punished in the first place, by the Elohim, because they didn't believe in Jesus. So he's not really bending over backwards to win their hearts and minds, frankly. Effectively he's telling the Jews that they need to buck their ideas up.Needless to say the Israeli authorities have been less than forthcoming about granting Vorillhon's request.  Meanwhile, terrorist groups worldwide have offered him billions of dollars, and more virgins than you can shake a stick at, should he succeed in getting the land he wants...

Last year it was announced that talks are already underway with China, which has the highest concentration of reported UFO sightings in the world. Israel had better hurry up and grant them what they want, or the Chinese will get all the glory...

His main persuasion technique is rather flimsy. Alongside cheesy soundbites such as:

Be aware that the name "Rael" is the root of the word "Israel" and without roots, the tree cannot live...

...he states that everything the Elohim have told him  is backed up by "all the ancient religious writings, legends, traditions, as well as modern science." Naturally, all of these documents are in harmony with each other. I mean, no one could argue that the Bible is at odds with, say, modern Palaeontology, could they? They just different sides of the same coin, needing this final piece of the puzzle so that they make sense together.

"The Raelian philosophy is one of understanding and not believing, that's why Rael himself asks you not to believe him blindly but to do your own research and see if the pieces of the puzzle match for you."
Oh, I see! Its about understanding! Well that's OK then. For a minute there I thought he was asking people to believe in an obscure bunch of people who want their own territory in the Middle East, just on blind faith. I mean, that would be stupid, right?

The Elohim have hoodies and goaties, but are not thought to be teenagers.

Over the years he has brought more attention to the Raelian movement with a series of elaborate publicity stunts and deliberate stirring of controversy. Largely because of these acts, membership in the movement has reached more than 80000 worldwidew in the past, though current estimates put the figure at closer to 60000. The most renowned of these publicity stunts was the announcement in 2002 of the first human clone, "Eve", by the company Clonaid which is run by Raelian member Briggitte Boisselier. It came only a few years after scientists announced the birth of Dolly, the world's first cloned sheep. Clonaid's announcement differed from the news about Dolly in two major respects. Firstly, the scientists who created Dolly published an open, peer-reviewed research article on the process, whereas Boissellier published only some insane gibberings in press interviews; secondly, Dolly was there for all to see whereas no one has met Eve. Ever. Even her parents. But obviously, no one questions that Eve is really a cloned human being. I mean, these people are scientists, right? Of course, Vorillhon denies any link between the Raelian movement and Clonaid, which just happens to have been founded by himself and run by one of the senior Bishops, and shares the same scientific goals...

Other stunts have included naked protesting, anti-Catholic demonstrations (such as burning crosses and handing out thousands of condoms in Catholic schools), and promotion of sexual liberty. Which also prompted arguments from the Catholics. In fact, they kind of hate Catholics with a passion, actually, which seems to contradict the Elohim's desire for peace amongst all men, but I'm no expert, I may be misinterpreting.

'E's not the messiah! He's a very naughty boy! (Sorry, had to get that line in somewhere...)

It's odd the way things can seem different depending on how you look at them. Raelianism seems like it's some harmless, benevolent hippies trying to reconnect with our long lost creators from across the Universe, but it's easy to see it as a madman trying to start his own country and pour flame on two of the world's major religions. But I'll say one thing for it. The idea that aliens created life is significantly more plausible than a divine creator. Then again, what's the difference?

Unitarian Universalists

This church was formed in 1961 from two other churches, called the Unitarians and the Universalists. Clearly they spent a long time thinking about the new title. Both of these churches were traditionally Christian but nowadays, UU is not about Christianity at all.
In fact, these guys are pretty open-minded about their religious beliefs. They don't really have anything solid, you see, just some vague, wishy washy spiritual stuff about following our unique spiritual path in togetherness. And stuff. And they welcome Christians, Buddhists, Atheists and even Pagans into the fold. The aim of the church is to get people together to follow their spirituality in multiple ways, which, lets face it, is great! What a brilliant idea for a church! Way to get as many members as you can. Anyone is welcome as long as they can uphold some basic principles of respect, dignity, democracy and peace.

These people are serious hippies! Amazingly,
 - They explicitly state that Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgendered people are completely welcome at all levels within the church;
 - They have an active environmental protection campaign known as the UU Ministry for Earth and dozens of their congregations have been accredited as "green sanctuaries";
- They also campaign for the rights of immigrants in the US;
- Their education program for children includes topics such as "Love all around us", "Journeys of the Spirit", "Circle of trees",
- and, the principles of UU draw from, amongst other things, "Direct experience of that transcending mystery and wonder, affirmed in all cultures, which moves us to a renewal of the spirit and an openness to the forces which create and uphold life."

They also clearly recognise that religion does not have all the answers to the mysteries of the Universe, just the same as the fact that Science does not. This is simply amazing stuff! 

Some of the language is quite yoghurty, mind, and there are some dubious ideas surrounding the religion. For example, they talk about having "worship" as part of the ceremonies, but it's not clear who or what is being worshipped. Instead, they just tell you what to wear, where to park, and what will happen. I guess they mean for people to worship whatever they feel like worshipping, and listen to the sermon - which is probably good if it's anything like the stuff on the website. There is a UU dating site. Of course they state that it's not a dating site but what else can be implied by "This is not a dating site, but a place for single UUs to meet and discuss life....we prefer to keep this group for adults only although we are an inclusive group."?

This UU centre in North Los Angeles is specialised for people who worship onions.

 One particularly pleasingly yoghurty idea is the Flower communion. This is a religious holiday in early Spring, during which members bring in a flower, usually one that they like in particular which is added to a special bouquet. This bouquet, as well as creating a health and safety nightmare for hayfever sufferers, represents the diversity of the people and the beliefs that come together to make the church. UU's also recognise various Christian, Jewish and other religious holidays, Earth Day, and Martin Luther King day; and readers of my book may remember that they also celebrate the solstices.

Some people argue that UU should not be called a religion at all, since there are no core beliefs, and believe that the UUs only claim to be a religion to benefit from the resultant tax-exemption.This may or may not be true.
John Broken Willow argues that this is the best religion he has ever come across, since it preaches good human ethics without spouting loads of mubo jumbo bullshit at people to keep them interested.

Jesus Christ of the Latter Day Saints (part 1)

I've always wondered who these latter-day saints were. Now I know, there's only one of them. His name was Joseph Smith and he lived in New York in the early 1800s. He invented a religion that now has 135 temples and 14 million members worldwide.
In a moment curiously reminiscent of the "discovery" of reiki by Mikao Usui, Smith:

"went to a grove of trees near his home and knelt in prayer. He described his experience: “I saw a pillar of light exactly over my head, above the brightness of the sun, which descended gradually until it fell upon me [ … ] When the light rested upon me I saw two Personages, whose brightness and glory defy all description, standing above me in the air. One of them spake unto me, calling me by name and said, pointing to the other-This is My Beloved Son. Hear Him!” 

That's it, the whole religion is founded on that one, mind-blowing psychedelic experience. Terrible! I've seen more convincing stuff on hippiesonacid.com. Having spoken professionally with lots of people who suffer from what is nowadays known as schizophrenia, this description sounds somewhat familiar to me. I'm not suggesting the guy was mad - in fact, far from it, he was clearly very together - but I am suggesting that he doesn't sound very convincing nowadays. I would most definitely get locked up if I started coming out with stuff like this. Smith got away with it because in the time and place he lived there were countless religious nuts and suffering, vulnerable people ravaged by battles, poverty and disease, desperate to have some ray of hope to latch on to.

He went on to produce vast quantities of scriptures that were "shown" to him by God - modern yoghurt weavers call this process channeling - and like all clever founders of religions he emphasised how important family is to God (thus ensuring that the religion passes on, and multiplies, through family units.) And of course, allowing men to have multiple wives is all part and parcel of that, right? I mean, it's part of God's plan to restablish the traditions of the Old Testament times. There is of course, the theory that Smith was having an affair with someone in his congregation, and not wanting to get in trouble with his wife, he decided to invent God's doctrine on polygamy. But obviously that can't be true. It must be all part of God's plan, that's why the Mormon church public renounced it just before the turn of the century.

They've got this thing about Temples, in Mormonism, too. They seem to think that from the time of Jesus until the time of Smith there were no temples in the world. Except in Asia, Europe, Africa, Australasia, South America, ooh and other parts of North America? Maybe they missed a few out when they were counting.

It's not unusual for Christian religions to be anti-gay but the Mormon church has a particularly interesting viewpoint. Because for them, family is everything, "Any sexual activity outside of marriage is wrong, and mariage is between a man and a woman." Mormon's will not budge on this, as it is the word of the Lord who is perfect. But it's OK because they don't like to discriminate gays in society in issues such as housing or employment, oh and the chuch's position is based on love so it's quite fluffy really. They're sinners against God and they are wrong, but its OK really, we don't hate them. Aw, bless. How understanding these Mormons are about the diverse populations of the world.

There'll be more on the LDS in later blogs but, walking past the place every day whilst walking my dog I started to wonder who are these people who dress in suits for no good reason, when it's 100 degrees in the shade...

Obscure religions series begins!

I have decided to embark on a new writing project on the subject of obscure churches. This will be largely, but not entirely, devoted to religions based on Christianity. When I say "religion" I am referring to a huge variety of sizes of organisation. It can be anything from a couple of people who believe that the moon God is made of Edam and must be worshipped with Cranberry sauce offerings, to a major international movement complete with their own economy and mafia.

Living as I do, in the USA, there are plenty to choose from right on my own doorstep. It seems that on every street corner there are a tribe of people with bizarre beliefs and even more bizarre ways to worship. And I haven't even looked at the ones on TV yet...

 One would hope that religious people could find it in their god-fearing hearts to put aside their differences and unite in their prayers and devotion to their Lords, but apparently this is not the case and there are hundreds, if not thousands, of tinier and tinier branches of Christianity alone.

The reasons branches of churches divide up like this are usually complex, historically significant, and rather dull when written into history books. I usually try to imagine religious scholars, over the centuries, getting mindlessly drunk on monk's brewed wine, and arguing about the finer points of theological reasoning...with swords at the ready to settle the arguments. Perhaps they are trying to decide whether God meant them to wear beige robes with red tassels, or magnolia with pastel pink. The arguments grow, usually because of egos rather than any well-thought out theological point, and eventually churches split up, suddenly creating yet another "true religion" that is more pure and true than the first.

The end result - i.e. the multiple divisions that we have in religions today - typically bears no relation whatsoever to the original reasons for the split. Humans being humans, they find new things to argue about; new leaders come along and rewrite things, and before you know it they are fighting with one another about an entirely new subject that they used to agree upon.

This is great for people like me because it means there is plenty of material for satirical piss-taking! Two caveats.

First, I am unlikely to cover any of the major cults. This is not because I don't wish to - if anything they deserve ridicule far more than the real religions - but they are known to silence critics with horses heads in beds and so on. Not being equipped with either expensive lawyers, a team of gun-toting thugs, or both, I'm not really willing to take the risk frankly....
 
Second, while I will aim to be generally respectful to the spiritual beliefs of individuals, some readers of my work may have noticed that I tend to be undiplomatic at times. If you are religious and easily offended, please don't read these articles. If you do, don't start complaining to me that they should be removed because they offend your God. Major hypocrisy and bullshit is endemic in most of the worlds religions, and that offends my God. Instead, if you disagree with what I say, tell me why and we'll debate it. Maybe we'll reach some common understanding.

Enjoy the series! Feedback encourages more articles ;)