Someone else wants land in Israel

Playmobil model of the proposed structure, yesterday

There are two main schools of thought on the origin of life on Earth. Some people believe that it was created by a divine being, also known as "God", others assert that it arose gradually from the primordial soup and developed by the process of evolution. There is another theory. Aliens designed it, using genetic engineering techniques. This is the belief of members of Raelianism. They also believe that they should be granted a large chunk of land near Jerusalem...

So in arguments about how life arose, common issues always arise. The creationists say that God created life. In their minds, that is the only possible explanation, because it says so in their holy books. Also, with the main alternative being evolutionary theory, it just must be God's work! Life is too complex to have arisen by chance. I mean look at that bacterial motor.
The Darwinists, on the other hand, have many decades of hard biological experiments, demonstrating time and time again the truths within the theory of evolution. No scientific evidence of God has been found anywhere, ever. They haven't proven evolution 100%, and frankly they are way off describing how life could have begun, but they are pretty damn sure they are in the right ball park.

Raelianism is a bit like creationism but does not rely on deities. Instead, the belief is that life on Earth was created about 35000 years ago by a race of aliens called Elohim. They, in turn, were created by some other aliens, and so on ad infinitum. A convenient theory, as you don't have to explain away Gods with supernatural powers, or provide ultimate proof of a fantastic theory like the rise of life from the primordial soup. You just have to believe in aliens, and many people find it easier to believe in aliens than in  Gods. In fact, plenty of scientists believe in aliens. In Raelian philosophy, evolution occurs when one species creates the next in a test tube.

Similar to all the best obscure beliefs, this one started with a man alone in the mountains. I mean, it had to be, right? These things always happen where no one else can see. It's never in the middle of a shop, or on the number 6 bus. The founder of the religion was a Frenchman named Claude Vorilhon. Primed perfectly in his early years for a life as a spiritual leader, having been a slightly unsuccessful racing car driver for a number of years; and blessed with the necessary edge of paranoia, being both Jewish and French, he was the perfect person to start a new religion. So on this particular day in 1973, (he neglects to mention in his book what quantity of psilocybin he ingested on that morning) he was walking on a volcano in some obscure region of south-central France, when he met an alien who told him he had been chosen. And the aliens were desperate for him to spread the word about their benevolent love and the message that they are our creators. So naturally they gave him all sorts of proof of their existence? Well, not really, no. In fact they didn't even allow him to take photos of them or their equipment. Nor tell him how any of it works, nor even say where they were from. Instead, they quoted the bible at him, and explained how they were responsible for much of what happened in it.

See, Elohim is the Hebrew word for "God" or Gods, but according to Vorillhon it has been mistranslated. It actually means, "comedy four foot tall alien, in stereotypical 1960s flying saucer, who exists only in the mind of a delusional racing car driver." He claims that they planned and designed life on Earth. Oh, and Moses, Jesus,  Buddha and any other influential religious figure you might happen to think of, were all sent by them. Except Popes. They chose now to come and communicate with us because we have reached a suitable technological level to be able to understand the genetic engineering involved. They didn't appear to the whole world, or even just to world leaders, with these revelations - because they were worried about hostility. Instead, they decided to entrust the whole thing to one slightly neurotic racing car driver, who they nicknamed "Rael". It is his mission to convince the world of the message of the Elohim, and only when most of the world are believers will they truly reveal themselves. Oh, and, when their embassy is created.

Some crop circles are thought to be made by the Elohim

That's right, embassy. Part of Vorillhon's mission is not only to persuade the world that the Elohim are coming, he also has to design and build a welcoming space in the form of an embassy, on neutral territory, with neutral airspace. Effectively, a mini country. The proposed embassy is about 350 hectares, some 8 times larger than the Vatican. There are drawings and visions of the place which were inspired by Crop Circles, Scifi films and PlayMobil toys. It has a UFO pad for the Elohim to land their ship on and dome-like spaces that give it the feel of a moonbase.
Where do they want this? Somewhere remote, where conflict between people is a distant memory, somewhere people will welcome these peaceful newcomers into their lands? No, they want it in Israel, about 5 miles north of Jerusalem. Apparently the Jews are the direct descendants of "the children born of the unions between the sons of Elohim and the daughters of men," as opposed to cloned animals like the rest of humanity, so the Elohim want the Embassy to be in the Promised Land amongst the chosen people. However, if Israel refuses to grant permission for the embassy to be built, then the Jews will be smited forever and the Elohim will just find another chosen people. In any case, when the Elohim arrive, sometime between now and 2035, only the most enthusiastic supporters of Rael will be worthy.
To this end, Vorillhon has officially applied to the State of Israel for this land on many occasions, and made appeals to the chief Rabbis to persuade them that he is the Messiah. (Including a brilliant bit about Hitler starting the holocaust because he had a vision of Vorillhon's coming - he was born in France in 1946). He points out the massive benefits to the local tourist industry if the appeal is granted. He says that if the land is not granted, then the Jews will once again be dispersed, with great suffering.
However, he also chose a swastika emblazoned within a Star of David as the Raelians' official symbol and states in no uncertain terms the Elohim's disgust at the current state of Israel and its stance against Palestine. In separate writings, he states that the Jews were dispersed and punished in the first place, by the Elohim, because they didn't believe in Jesus. So he's not really bending over backwards to win their hearts and minds, frankly. Effectively he's telling the Jews that they need to buck their ideas up.Needless to say the Israeli authorities have been less than forthcoming about granting Vorillhon's request.  Meanwhile, terrorist groups worldwide have offered him billions of dollars, and more virgins than you can shake a stick at, should he succeed in getting the land he wants...

Last year it was announced that talks are already underway with China, which has the highest concentration of reported UFO sightings in the world. Israel had better hurry up and grant them what they want, or the Chinese will get all the glory...

His main persuasion technique is rather flimsy. Alongside cheesy soundbites such as:

Be aware that the name "Rael" is the root of the word "Israel" and without roots, the tree cannot live...

...he states that everything the Elohim have told him  is backed up by "all the ancient religious writings, legends, traditions, as well as modern science." Naturally, all of these documents are in harmony with each other. I mean, no one could argue that the Bible is at odds with, say, modern Palaeontology, could they? They just different sides of the same coin, needing this final piece of the puzzle so that they make sense together.

"The Raelian philosophy is one of understanding and not believing, that's why Rael himself asks you not to believe him blindly but to do your own research and see if the pieces of the puzzle match for you."
Oh, I see! Its about understanding! Well that's OK then. For a minute there I thought he was asking people to believe in an obscure bunch of people who want their own territory in the Middle East, just on blind faith. I mean, that would be stupid, right?

The Elohim have hoodies and goaties, but are not thought to be teenagers.

Over the years he has brought more attention to the Raelian movement with a series of elaborate publicity stunts and deliberate stirring of controversy. Largely because of these acts, membership in the movement has reached more than 80000 worldwidew in the past, though current estimates put the figure at closer to 60000. The most renowned of these publicity stunts was the announcement in 2002 of the first human clone, "Eve", by the company Clonaid which is run by Raelian member Briggitte Boisselier. It came only a few years after scientists announced the birth of Dolly, the world's first cloned sheep. Clonaid's announcement differed from the news about Dolly in two major respects. Firstly, the scientists who created Dolly published an open, peer-reviewed research article on the process, whereas Boissellier published only some insane gibberings in press interviews; secondly, Dolly was there for all to see whereas no one has met Eve. Ever. Even her parents. But obviously, no one questions that Eve is really a cloned human being. I mean, these people are scientists, right? Of course, Vorillhon denies any link between the Raelian movement and Clonaid, which just happens to have been founded by himself and run by one of the senior Bishops, and shares the same scientific goals...

Other stunts have included naked protesting, anti-Catholic demonstrations (such as burning crosses and handing out thousands of condoms in Catholic schools), and promotion of sexual liberty. Which also prompted arguments from the Catholics. In fact, they kind of hate Catholics with a passion, actually, which seems to contradict the Elohim's desire for peace amongst all men, but I'm no expert, I may be misinterpreting.

'E's not the messiah! He's a very naughty boy! (Sorry, had to get that line in somewhere...)

It's odd the way things can seem different depending on how you look at them. Raelianism seems like it's some harmless, benevolent hippies trying to reconnect with our long lost creators from across the Universe, but it's easy to see it as a madman trying to start his own country and pour flame on two of the world's major religions. But I'll say one thing for it. The idea that aliens created life is significantly more plausible than a divine creator. Then again, what's the difference?

Gay therapy

************************ This article is not suitable for children. ***************************

What, you may well ask, is gay therapy?
Perhaps it is a kind of complementary healing designed to enhance one's sexual connection to the divine, using chakra yoga, and tailored specifically to homosexuality? No. Not that.

Perhaps it is a kind of blend of psychotherapy and Shamanism, designed to help one explore one's homosexual feelings in a creative way and come to terms with one's sexuality comfortably? Sadly, no, it's not that either.

Perhaps then, it is a sort of talking therapy for people who are gay, struggling with issues around their sexuality and the intense amount of homophobia in the world? No, not that either, that's usually called gay counselling, or with more political correctness, LGBT counselling.

Gay therapy is something else. Gay therapy starts from the principle that homosexuality is an illness, and attempts to "cure" people of their gayness. People who have been through this process and go on to define themselves as heterosexual, are referred to as "ex-gay".
"I no longer have sexual feelings for men", reported Ben Odama. "Sometimes they look at me kind of cute, and I just wink at them. But I'm happily married now, to a woman called Bernie."

A brief summary of the situation might go like this. For centuries, the religions ruled the minds of the people and the politicians. What they said, happened. So when Leviticus asked us to smite the homos, that's exactly what a self-respecting citizen would do, so long as they wanted to stay out of the dungeons.
Nowadays, in the "western" world at least, the religious types don't have so much power and the world has started to notice that a significant percentage of the population are, in fact, gay. That's how they were made. Other animals have homosexuality too, it's just a fact of being a mammal. Decades of civil rights marches and Pride carnivals later, not to mention the movie "Brokeback Mountain", the situation is still tense and there is still huge amounts of homophobic violence, as well as verbal abuse and discrimination, but by and large, the western world is now a place where homosexuality is basically accepted, and gay people don't get thrown in prison anymore for holding hands in public. Of course this is not true world wide, and there are still dozens of countries that serve the death sentence for homosexuality, but this article is not going into that.
Realizing that they were losing their (firm) grip on the gay propaganda debacle, the churches started persuading gay people that, even though they were sinners against God, they could still be accepted into the church. After all, they couldn't turn away such a large percentage of their congregations could they? They'd lose a fortune in subscriptions.
So organisations like NARTH, JONAH, the Evergreen Foundation and Homosexuals Anonymous began to spring up. They have an umbrella group called PATH, which stands for People Against The Homos.
Make no mistake, all these people are fundamentalist religious types. They go on about how they are reputable therapists acting out of compassion for their clients, helping people to become better Christians/Jews/Muslims/Jedi. They tell clients that they can purge them of their sinful feelings and become purer. They tell the world that their clients voluntarily come to them because they can't bear to have these impure feelings anymore. The world sees people being brainwashed into getting the "treatment" because the other people in the church (and, basically, as a result, everyone in their life) tell them they are disgusting.
In fact, the whole culture of homophobia that still exists all over the world is driven by religious organisations, and it is largely as a result of this hateful non-acceptance that gay people struggle with their sexuality in the first place. The churches, having created this hatred, can now make use of it to shame people into stopping having homosexual relationships. Furthermore, huge amounts of cash can be made from all these bunk therapy sessions, residential treatments, book sales and all the other crap that goes alongside this ridiculous "therapy" that any sane person knows full well is a waste of time right from the start. I'm sure that the people who practice gay therapy know this also, but they will happily continue to provide it, for as long as their churches can bully people through the doors (sometimes as young as 3 years old) and keep the money coming in.
In the meantime the majority of people who have had such treatments are still gay, and it is easy to draw the conclusion that the ones who claim to be "ex-gay" have achieved some form of advanced repression to their sexuality, and suffer married life begrudgingly.

Inspired by the excellent Sacha Baran Cohen film "Bruno", We sent our mystery shopper, Rupert Bullyboy Willow, to a gay therapy session locally. This is what happened:

Rupert: So, I understand you can stop me fancying men.
Therapist: Absolutely.
How does it work then?
Well, we'll talk a little about what being gay means to you, then maybe we'll get an idea of how to proceed.
Sounds a bit vague. OK. Being gay means I fancy blokes. I fuck them up the arse and suck on their cocks. Most weekends when I was younger, I'd go clubbing, take loads of pills and have loads of filthy sex, but nowadays I tend to have quite nights in with me feller. However, some bloke in the pub told me that, despite being attracted to men for as long as I can remember, I've committed sins against Jesus and can only repent by becoming straight. Is that even possible?
Of course it's possible. Homosexuality is a choice.
No one gave me a choice, mate, I've never  fancied women. People like Pamela Anderson disgust me. I was born gay and that's all there is to it.
That is not true. You were made and brought into the world by God, who is perfect. He made everybody heterosexual as that is the perfect union required to make a family.
You don't think it was my parents who brought me into the world then?
Yes, but ultimately you came from God.
So he made me want to suck cocks.
No, he made you pure. Wanting to indulge in homosexual acts is impure. It came from somewhere else. Something in your early childhood. What do you remember about being young?
Oooh, you mean in relation to being gay? Well I liked the look of the milkman actually, when I was about 6. It wasn't really a sexual thing, I was too young, I just kind of wanted to be naked with him. Then there was the time when Mum put me and me mate Daz in the bath together. We were about 8. Anyway I got kind of hard and he was a bit freaked out, but he's me best mate still now. Straight as an arrow that one. That's when I knew really.
There must have been something before this depravity began that triggered it in your mind.
You mean when I was a baby? Nah, nothing sexual there. Just bottles and Calvin Klein nappies.
What kind of friendships did you have in early school? With girls, with boys?
I had lots of female friends and was quite popular in general, but the bullies - you know, the hard lads who went on to become gangsters - beat me up quite a lot. They thought I was a bit weird. I didn't understand why at the time but now I realise that I used to look at them kind of longingly. Not suprised it freaked them, out, really. Some of the boys were nice, me and Joseph used to hang around together a lot *sighs with a smile and happy memories of Joseph*.
So at what point did you realise you were different from these, er, bullies?
Probably when they used to talk about girls they thought were pretty and I laughed at them.
Why did you laugh?
Cos I thought those boys were pretty. Mate, this isn't going anywhere, can we try something else luv?
OK, I want you to think about times in your life when you have felt more normal. 
I am normal. Look, do you have any techniques that actually might work?
*Coughs* Well, erm, OK, we'll jump straight to your relationship with God. Tell me about that. 
He's some big guy up in the sky who loves everyone unconditionally.
That's right.
 So why does he want me to change then?
Because you have sinned.
Well, hello! Who hasn't? And you haven't convinced me yet that he made me straight.
We are all sinners, you are right. We all need to improve ourselves in our own ways.
Does your wife suck cock?
Excuse me?
Does she? If so, does that make her a sinner too? Does she need to improve? I could give her a few lessons if she likes... *winks*
*Ahem* As I was saying, homosexual acts are a sin and you can repent of those sins by immersing yourself in the body of Christ.
Sounds quite exciting.
I don't mean literally. I mean you need to accept Christ into your soul, body and mind and live his teachings and his actions.
OK, so I need to hang around mostly with other men, going out on fishing trips and so on? And not sleep with any women, but have a prostitute as a kind of pretend girlfriend?

Pause.
 OK, Mr Willow, I'm recommending you for a residential course of aversion therapy You'll be shown pictures of naked men and women with various amounts of eletricity being applied to your genitals.

For information about the campaign against gay therapy, check out: Truth Wins Out.

Northridge Church(es)

This is the name given to several different churches spread across the USA. Some of these are similar to each other and some seem quite different, the name “Northridge” is quite arbitrary as it is a common place name.

Before even starting on any of the individual churches, this naming thing is just ridiculous. I understand the idea of naming your church after the place it’s in, which would be fine for the first one that ever existed. But when the second one came about, presumably in a different place called Northridge, what sort of fool decided to name it the same as a different church with a different philosophy? How exactly is that supposed to help people stay faithful?

“Join the Northridge Church! We will baptize you and absolve you of your sins!”

“But I thought you guys were with the Sally Army! Who the fuck are you people?”

“We all believe in Jesus! All believers are one with the Holy Spirit!”

“But you don’t agree with each other? That’s reassuring….”

So, defining the Northridge church depends on where you live. The biggest one (with three congregations) is based around Detroit, Michigan. This appears to be a branch-off of Baptist Christianity. The Northridge in Derry, New Hampshire has a similar set of philosophies. The actual beliefs they claim are quite generic Christian stuff – tripartite deity system; all humans are sinners; belief in the deity of Jesus will get you to heaven; not believing in Jesus you will go to hell. All that stuff. Because these are Baptist churches they all go on about how baptism is about immersion in the holy spirit and that’s part of the initial cleansing process when you join the religion. Apparently this Baptism in the “holy spirit” is really done in water, but it’s some special kind of water that has been blessed – this means someone who gets paid quite a lot of money has waved his hands over it and chanted some mumbo-jumbo. Bing! Hey presto, the water is magic! Sounds a bit like homeopathy.

An innovative advertising campaign in Michigan has resulted in bad press for the Northridge Churches...

Both churches also do a lot of charity work. This is something Christians are good at. They firmly believe in helping people who are needy, without discrimination, because they hope that by doing so they can get their hands on more fresh souls to save by enlisting them into their churches. The Detroit church in particular describes nonbelievers as “lost”.

What’s special about the Northridge Church (Detroit and New Hampshire spp.) is how right on they are. These guys are cool and in with the kids man. Sunday service involves guitar bands. Regular activities include volleyball, rock climbing and…er…bible study. For two year olds. But they really are modern. The Detroit church have a catchphrase, “we don’t speak in these and thous.” Thankfully they don’t speak in tongues either. Instead there are workshops for empowering women in a modern patriarchal society, how to do more effective beneficient charity work, and of course, how to convince people of all this God and Jesus stuff, without them punching you violently in the face.

The Northridge in Rochester, New York is broadly similar. Also known as the “North Baptist Church”, they use different language to their counterparts but with the same kinds of messages really.  They describe the second coming as “premillenial” (carefully failing to specify which millennium is being referred to) and have a downloadable application form for being baptized with amusing questions such as, “please state briefly why you should be allowed into heaven.” There’s another Baptist one in Minnesota, but frankly it’s quite dull so there’s not so much to say about it.

The Northridge in Newmarket, Ontario is rather different. Run by the Salvation Army, their main focus appears to be charity work locally – helping the homeless etc., but their calendar also includes events like “moms and muffs” (sounds like a porno); men’s huddle; scout groups; band rehearsals and English classes alongside the usual bible bashing and discussion groups. More on the Salvation Army’s belief system in a different blog, but essentially they are quite positive, and practice respect and compassion without too much of the Jesus crap.

My favorite Northridge Church has to be the Northridge Church of Christ in Dayton, Ohio. This is not only because it is stripped down and basic – it’s a traditional looking place with acapella singing and not a guitar amp in sight – but the way they describe their philosophy is just brilliant. They make hilarious attempts to use logical arguments to justify their faith. For example, starting with the premise that Jesus (the historical human being) was either lying about his divinity, a lunatic or the Lord: they rule out “liar” because he apparently spoke of truth and light – the evidence for this being in the Bible; and they rule out “lunatic” because lunatics have imbalanced minds and live erratic lifestyles. Jesus, apparently, displayed calm under pressure and a balanced, consistent  lifestyle. According to the Bible. Therefore, say the church, he must be Lord. According to the Bible. Ah. Yes. They don’t seem to have taken in to account that there may be conflicting historical sources *waggles finger disapprovingly*. Also, does a man who spends 6 weeks alone in the desert talking to voices in his head, before allowing himself willingly to be tortured to death, really speak “balanced, consistent lifestyle”?

Their evidence that the Bible speaks the truth talks about internal and external verification. Frankly, one might assume that it is biased, since it only vaguely mentions a few patchy references to Jewish, Greek and Roman texts that made reference to Jesus, and a couple of examples where the Bible has been shown using archaeological methods to be correct. Since it was written by dozens of different people though, these arguments are complete bullshit, basically. Especially since these alternative information sources generally omit the stuff about Jesus being God.

With equal comedy value, the section on why one should choose their path uses evidence from the Hollywood movie “Gladiator”.