Witchcraft is new technique in war on drugs

Thanks to the Richard Dawkins Foundation for highlighting this one.

For many decades, cocaine smuggling has brought untold suffering to south and central America. Some of the best places to grow cocaine plants are in South America, and some of the biggest markets for the stuff are in the USA. Because cocaine is illegal, this has resulted in huge amounts of gang violence in the name of control of this illicit trade. The authorities in the various countries in which this violence takes place are seemingly powerless to stop it (some might argue that the whole "war against drugs" is pretty pointless, but that subject is for another day).

In Mexico, for example, even conservative estimates toll the number of killings in this "war on drugs" as more than 25,000 in the last five years, although US border authorities put the figure at closer to 84.1 million. Mexico sees the lion's share of the violence since it shares a long border with the US. This, and other factors such as poverty, and years of suffering with stupid stereotypes about wide-rimmed hats, have brought about a modern Mexico that is fraught with domestic problems, and its military police are known to be corrupt on many levels. Despite the 1.3 billion dollars that the US provides annually to Mexico in aid for this war on drugs, not to mention all the other backhanders and military assistance that they give behind the scenes, nothing seems to work.

Desperate, the Mexican government turned to God for help, and the Catholic Church has stepped in with a brilliant solution. They have sent magical items that will be used in healing rituals across Mexico. A vial of blood from the Late Pope John Paul II, alongside his scullcap, mobile phone and favorite copy of Choirboy magazine, have all recently arrived in Mexico and been viewed and blessed by the president, Felipe Calderon. There is also a model of the late Pope that was kindly lent by Madame Tussaud's waxwork museum in London, with the strict understanding that if it comes back riddled with bulletholes, "it's more than me jobsworth me old mucka."

The next stage is to take the relics to places of unrest and run the healing rituals. There will be many different types of these. Chief witchcraft officer Antonia Javez guides us through one of them: "The relics will be placed on top of a waxwork of John Paul, laying upon a sacred sedan chair in a dark room, lit around with many candles. Though not enough that the model will melt. Healing prayer in the original latin will be sung to the relics so that they soak up the voices of woe and love from around the congregation. Sparked with the touch of God, Jesus and of course, the Virgin Mary, a ressurection of the late Pope will arise and sit in the sedan chair. He will send messages of healing and love all around him. Then we will parade into the gangland slums. The men with guns will think we are getting in the way of their business and start shooting, but with the power of John Paul we will be blessed and nothing can harm us.
"We are so poor from all the fighting, this is our only hope," Javez explains. "I have to send all my seven children out to work just so we can eat. May the blessed John Paul answer our prayers and stop the fighting. And tell us he was just joking about the condoms."

The organisers acknowledge that it could be tricky to achieve something that has tried and tested the minds of resources of hundreds of powerful leaders, military tacticians and strategists over the years, simply by chanting some meaningless mumbo-jumbo in a dead language and waving around a few bits of cloth and blood from a dude who died years ago. But they are optimistic.

If successful in stopping the war on drugs, there are big plans to continue the witchcraft project by obtaining the blood of other famous people so that their ressurected spirits can inspire their nation. The list includes Hugo Chavez, Venezualan president, and Shakira, who is considered to have a nice arse.

Jesus Christ of the Latter Day Saints (part 1)

I've always wondered who these latter-day saints were. Now I know, there's only one of them. His name was Joseph Smith and he lived in New York in the early 1800s. He invented a religion that now has 135 temples and 14 million members worldwide.
In a moment curiously reminiscent of the "discovery" of reiki by Mikao Usui, Smith:

"went to a grove of trees near his home and knelt in prayer. He described his experience: “I saw a pillar of light exactly over my head, above the brightness of the sun, which descended gradually until it fell upon me [ … ] When the light rested upon me I saw two Personages, whose brightness and glory defy all description, standing above me in the air. One of them spake unto me, calling me by name and said, pointing to the other-This is My Beloved Son. Hear Him!” 

That's it, the whole religion is founded on that one, mind-blowing psychedelic experience. Terrible! I've seen more convincing stuff on hippiesonacid.com. Having spoken professionally with lots of people who suffer from what is nowadays known as schizophrenia, this description sounds somewhat familiar to me. I'm not suggesting the guy was mad - in fact, far from it, he was clearly very together - but I am suggesting that he doesn't sound very convincing nowadays. I would most definitely get locked up if I started coming out with stuff like this. Smith got away with it because in the time and place he lived there were countless religious nuts and suffering, vulnerable people ravaged by battles, poverty and disease, desperate to have some ray of hope to latch on to.

He went on to produce vast quantities of scriptures that were "shown" to him by God - modern yoghurt weavers call this process channeling - and like all clever founders of religions he emphasised how important family is to God (thus ensuring that the religion passes on, and multiplies, through family units.) And of course, allowing men to have multiple wives is all part and parcel of that, right? I mean, it's part of God's plan to restablish the traditions of the Old Testament times. There is of course, the theory that Smith was having an affair with someone in his congregation, and not wanting to get in trouble with his wife, he decided to invent God's doctrine on polygamy. But obviously that can't be true. It must be all part of God's plan, that's why the Mormon church public renounced it just before the turn of the century.

They've got this thing about Temples, in Mormonism, too. They seem to think that from the time of Jesus until the time of Smith there were no temples in the world. Except in Asia, Europe, Africa, Australasia, South America, ooh and other parts of North America? Maybe they missed a few out when they were counting.

It's not unusual for Christian religions to be anti-gay but the Mormon church has a particularly interesting viewpoint. Because for them, family is everything, "Any sexual activity outside of marriage is wrong, and mariage is between a man and a woman." Mormon's will not budge on this, as it is the word of the Lord who is perfect. But it's OK because they don't like to discriminate gays in society in issues such as housing or employment, oh and the chuch's position is based on love so it's quite fluffy really. They're sinners against God and they are wrong, but its OK really, we don't hate them. Aw, bless. How understanding these Mormons are about the diverse populations of the world.

There'll be more on the LDS in later blogs but, walking past the place every day whilst walking my dog I started to wonder who are these people who dress in suits for no good reason, when it's 100 degrees in the shade...

Pagans and the Daily Mail - a year in the life of a hate campaign

The Daily Mail, for those who don't know, is a rather conservative newspaper in the UK. They are renowned for their backward, nimby attitudes towards anything new, fun or alternative. They feel threatened by people who live lives that do not mould well into the high-brow suburban society they seek to create. They attack the spiritual beliefs of most non-Christians.

This particularly applies to Pagans. The DM has, for many years, targetted an intense hate campaign against the very idea of Paganism. They hate the non-Christian values, the clothes, the attitudes; they hate the freedom the liberty and the feminism; they hate the rituals, the spells and the accoutrements; but most of all they hate the fact that most Pagans have jobs so they can't target them using the "worthless doley scum" arguments they apply to most hippy types.

Over the course of the last twelve month's articles, the full picture of the campaign comes to light. There were two articles about Pagans in the military. Apparently, some of these men and women may be serving in the war against terror. I'm not sure why that makes it any more or less shocking. Anyhow, apparently 130 people in the UK forces are practicing Pagans, though this figure is itself slightly suspect as it includes 50 Rastafarians. There was a separate article about a modern stone circle at a military training camp in Colorado, where apparently security is tight due following a row last year over a Pagan Cross.
There is also a lot of talk about Pagans in the police. The DM is very upset that Pagan Police Officers are permitted religious days off - for Samhain, Imbolc etc and the solstices and equinoxes. In a society that claims to be multicultural, why the fuck not? Just because the DM doesn't understand the need to worship the solstice, for example, doesn't make it wrong.

Following with the law and order theme, they are also up in arms about prisoners who are Pagans. (The main photo for the article is of some drugged-up hippies at the Stonehenge solstice celebration). They are permitted to get a day off work for four days per year, which they choose out of the main eight. They can also, within reason, request special food on these days (as can followers of other faiths). So the DM would disallow this would they? Deny someone their faith? Pagan prisoners are also allowed to have in their possession a wand and a hoodless robe. The DM are all upset about this too. You'd think they would want to encourage clothing like that, with all the ranting they do elsewhere in the paper about hoodies.

So how about the man from Wales who was on probation for a weapons offence? The offence was of having a knife in a public place. It turns out that it was an athamac that he uses in Pagan rituals. This arrest is an issue itself, though to be fair he did have previous for firearms. Nonetheless, he got a tag for four months, but was permitted special dispensation for full moon nights, when he was allowed to go out to do rituals up on the moors. If he'd asked for special dispensation to go to Midnight Mass this wouldn't have even been a story. The DM spins this gentleman as an evil criminal who is using the ridiculous equality laws to get away with a lighter sentence.

They also reported a case in April about a man acquitted of benefit fraud. Once again, it's the kind of thing that happens every day, but the DM reports it because the man was a pagan. They obviously did not think he should have been acquitted. They described him as, "The emotional Druid, who has long flowing brown hair, a thick chest-length curly grey beard and walks with a wooden staff". No stereotypes there, then.

The attitude of the DM to Pagans is symptomatic of their general campaign against "political correctness gone mad". They feel that the laws protecting the rights of followers of Paganism (as a bona fide religion) are what is at fault. Furthermore, they make paltry hints that they believe New Labour, with their Equality and Diversity agenda, are "responsible" for the rise of Paganism and (what they see as) the problems this causes in society. In one particularly impressive rant last october, to mark the Charity Commission's decision to recognise Paganism as a religion of equal status to the more mainstream ones, columnist Melanie Phillips begins: "Will somebody please tell me this is all a joke?" She argues that equality and human rights laws serve to minimise and alienate traditional monotheistic beliefs whilst trumping up out of proportionate the more obscure ones. This is bullcrap. She minimises and alienates Christian values, by purporting to speak for them with one hand, while with the other she pisses over her neighbours and preaches hate. Pagans, on the other hand, tend to believe that all people are equal regardless of their spiritual beliefs.

Sticking with politics, DM reported that Christine O'Donnell, a Republican politician from Delaware, is a Pagan. If you read the small print it says that she went on a date with a witch when she was 17 years old and has never practiced any kind of Paganism herself. (To be fair, the DM did not start this smear of O'Donnell which has been going on for years). However the DM have their own agenda against her - for why, I dare not ponder - so have listed half a dozen reasons to mistrust her, concluding, "she's a Witch, what do you expect?" (Instead of the more obvious, "she's a politician, what do you expect?") This is quite a clever way to reinforce their anti-Pagan stance.

One sensationalist headline in november stated, "Schools get go ahead to teach Paganism." Let's break that down a little. That statement implies that all schools across the nation will now be teaching Pagan values as a whole subject. It almost implies that other belief systems could be scrapped from schools. I can almost imagine the worried suburban parents, thinking their children will be sacrificing goats instead of singing hymns. What's the reality? One local council claims to have had a debate about it. Some vague inconclusive discussion is reported on some council meeting minutes, which were probably largely fabricated by the secretary anyway, (like most meeting minutes), and of course they were discussing the teaching of it as a system of beliefs alongside all the other ones. I was shocked to discover that this does not happen already. The DM is shocked that it might happen. Why? What are they scared of, that their kids might learn that there are different types of people in the world?

There were many other stories following these kinds of themes. A harrassment tribunal in New York where a woman's colleagues were frightened she was putting spells on their cars. The BBC show one TV programme about Samhain and are accused of marginalising Christianity. More policemen doing rituals with pig's trotters. Some academic trying to argue that Paganism is a dangerous cult. That sort of thing. One other article deserves special mention - a celebratory story announcing a new book, produced by the Catholic Church, which is a guide for parents worried that their children might be getting into witchcraft. The pic for the story shows the main cast of the Harry Potter films, as if they represent all the reasons children might get into witchcraft. I won't be rushing out to buy a copy (though I might try and download one to have a laugh at it!)

Perhaps the DM will see the light and recognise that people who practice the various forms of Paganism are, basically, just like them. Human beings with their own ways of living, own beliefs, own ways of thinking that are just as valid. Perhaps someone will point out that worshipping an almighty deity in the sky sounds just as ridiculous, to a nonbeliever, as worshipping the spirits of the earth. Though in actuality, the DM probably don't care about that stuff, just as long as the Pagans are lower down the economic and social scales than they are - as long as they have a worse status in the law - they can feel like they have kept some of the fencing around their back yard.

Northridge Church(es)

This is the name given to several different churches spread across the USA. Some of these are similar to each other and some seem quite different, the name “Northridge” is quite arbitrary as it is a common place name.

Before even starting on any of the individual churches, this naming thing is just ridiculous. I understand the idea of naming your church after the place it’s in, which would be fine for the first one that ever existed. But when the second one came about, presumably in a different place called Northridge, what sort of fool decided to name it the same as a different church with a different philosophy? How exactly is that supposed to help people stay faithful?

“Join the Northridge Church! We will baptize you and absolve you of your sins!”

“But I thought you guys were with the Sally Army! Who the fuck are you people?”

“We all believe in Jesus! All believers are one with the Holy Spirit!”

“But you don’t agree with each other? That’s reassuring….”

So, defining the Northridge church depends on where you live. The biggest one (with three congregations) is based around Detroit, Michigan. This appears to be a branch-off of Baptist Christianity. The Northridge in Derry, New Hampshire has a similar set of philosophies. The actual beliefs they claim are quite generic Christian stuff – tripartite deity system; all humans are sinners; belief in the deity of Jesus will get you to heaven; not believing in Jesus you will go to hell. All that stuff. Because these are Baptist churches they all go on about how baptism is about immersion in the holy spirit and that’s part of the initial cleansing process when you join the religion. Apparently this Baptism in the “holy spirit” is really done in water, but it’s some special kind of water that has been blessed – this means someone who gets paid quite a lot of money has waved his hands over it and chanted some mumbo-jumbo. Bing! Hey presto, the water is magic! Sounds a bit like homeopathy.

An innovative advertising campaign in Michigan has resulted in bad press for the Northridge Churches...

Both churches also do a lot of charity work. This is something Christians are good at. They firmly believe in helping people who are needy, without discrimination, because they hope that by doing so they can get their hands on more fresh souls to save by enlisting them into their churches. The Detroit church in particular describes nonbelievers as “lost”.

What’s special about the Northridge Church (Detroit and New Hampshire spp.) is how right on they are. These guys are cool and in with the kids man. Sunday service involves guitar bands. Regular activities include volleyball, rock climbing and…er…bible study. For two year olds. But they really are modern. The Detroit church have a catchphrase, “we don’t speak in these and thous.” Thankfully they don’t speak in tongues either. Instead there are workshops for empowering women in a modern patriarchal society, how to do more effective beneficient charity work, and of course, how to convince people of all this God and Jesus stuff, without them punching you violently in the face.

The Northridge in Rochester, New York is broadly similar. Also known as the “North Baptist Church”, they use different language to their counterparts but with the same kinds of messages really.  They describe the second coming as “premillenial” (carefully failing to specify which millennium is being referred to) and have a downloadable application form for being baptized with amusing questions such as, “please state briefly why you should be allowed into heaven.” There’s another Baptist one in Minnesota, but frankly it’s quite dull so there’s not so much to say about it.

The Northridge in Newmarket, Ontario is rather different. Run by the Salvation Army, their main focus appears to be charity work locally – helping the homeless etc., but their calendar also includes events like “moms and muffs” (sounds like a porno); men’s huddle; scout groups; band rehearsals and English classes alongside the usual bible bashing and discussion groups. More on the Salvation Army’s belief system in a different blog, but essentially they are quite positive, and practice respect and compassion without too much of the Jesus crap.

My favorite Northridge Church has to be the Northridge Church of Christ in Dayton, Ohio. This is not only because it is stripped down and basic – it’s a traditional looking place with acapella singing and not a guitar amp in sight – but the way they describe their philosophy is just brilliant. They make hilarious attempts to use logical arguments to justify their faith. For example, starting with the premise that Jesus (the historical human being) was either lying about his divinity, a lunatic or the Lord: they rule out “liar” because he apparently spoke of truth and light – the evidence for this being in the Bible; and they rule out “lunatic” because lunatics have imbalanced minds and live erratic lifestyles. Jesus, apparently, displayed calm under pressure and a balanced, consistent  lifestyle. According to the Bible. Therefore, say the church, he must be Lord. According to the Bible. Ah. Yes. They don’t seem to have taken in to account that there may be conflicting historical sources *waggles finger disapprovingly*. Also, does a man who spends 6 weeks alone in the desert talking to voices in his head, before allowing himself willingly to be tortured to death, really speak “balanced, consistent lifestyle”?

Their evidence that the Bible speaks the truth talks about internal and external verification. Frankly, one might assume that it is biased, since it only vaguely mentions a few patchy references to Jewish, Greek and Roman texts that made reference to Jesus, and a couple of examples where the Bible has been shown using archaeological methods to be correct. Since it was written by dozens of different people though, these arguments are complete bullshit, basically. Especially since these alternative information sources generally omit the stuff about Jesus being God.

With equal comedy value, the section on why one should choose their path uses evidence from the Hollywood movie “Gladiator”.

Obscure religions series begins!

I have decided to embark on a new writing project on the subject of obscure churches. This will be largely, but not entirely, devoted to religions based on Christianity. When I say "religion" I am referring to a huge variety of sizes of organisation. It can be anything from a couple of people who believe that the moon God is made of Edam and must be worshipped with Cranberry sauce offerings, to a major international movement complete with their own economy and mafia.

Living as I do, in the USA, there are plenty to choose from right on my own doorstep. It seems that on every street corner there are a tribe of people with bizarre beliefs and even more bizarre ways to worship. And I haven't even looked at the ones on TV yet...

 One would hope that religious people could find it in their god-fearing hearts to put aside their differences and unite in their prayers and devotion to their Lords, but apparently this is not the case and there are hundreds, if not thousands, of tinier and tinier branches of Christianity alone.

The reasons branches of churches divide up like this are usually complex, historically significant, and rather dull when written into history books. I usually try to imagine religious scholars, over the centuries, getting mindlessly drunk on monk's brewed wine, and arguing about the finer points of theological reasoning...with swords at the ready to settle the arguments. Perhaps they are trying to decide whether God meant them to wear beige robes with red tassels, or magnolia with pastel pink. The arguments grow, usually because of egos rather than any well-thought out theological point, and eventually churches split up, suddenly creating yet another "true religion" that is more pure and true than the first.

The end result - i.e. the multiple divisions that we have in religions today - typically bears no relation whatsoever to the original reasons for the split. Humans being humans, they find new things to argue about; new leaders come along and rewrite things, and before you know it they are fighting with one another about an entirely new subject that they used to agree upon.

This is great for people like me because it means there is plenty of material for satirical piss-taking! Two caveats.

First, I am unlikely to cover any of the major cults. This is not because I don't wish to - if anything they deserve ridicule far more than the real religions - but they are known to silence critics with horses heads in beds and so on. Not being equipped with either expensive lawyers, a team of gun-toting thugs, or both, I'm not really willing to take the risk frankly....
 
Second, while I will aim to be generally respectful to the spiritual beliefs of individuals, some readers of my work may have noticed that I tend to be undiplomatic at times. If you are religious and easily offended, please don't read these articles. If you do, don't start complaining to me that they should be removed because they offend your God. Major hypocrisy and bullshit is endemic in most of the worlds religions, and that offends my God. Instead, if you disagree with what I say, tell me why and we'll debate it. Maybe we'll reach some common understanding.

Enjoy the series! Feedback encourages more articles ;)

The 9/11 Memorial

The time is approaching for the tenth anniversary of 9/11.
Now you may be thinking that Bin Laden did it, the US government did it, it was the Illuminati, it was caused by negative Earth Energies, it was aliens hell bent on revenge for all that rubbish we broadcast on the satellite TV etc. etc. But, no matter what your theory for who was responsible for 9/11, no one can deny that the deaths of all those people was a massive human tragedy.
People like to mark the anniversaries of tragic events, like deaths, with some sort of fitting memorial. Usually these are designed to bring us closer to the spirit of the dead person or people, for example, going to a place that they enjoyed and lighting candles or singing their favorite song.
Not in this case. Whoever designed this piece of crap decided a little differently. In honour of the thousands of people who died on that day, many in states of extreme terror and pain inside collapsing burning buildings, this person decided that a fitting tribute would be to encourage mourning loved ones to spend their hard-earned cash on some crappy bits of cheap metal glued together badly to look a little bit like the twin towers. Adding in a few candles, it looks a bit like the buildings are on fire.
Brilliant. So this will achieve what exactly?
For the people holding the memorial with this statuette: instead of remembering the happy, positive, fun things about their loved one's life, they just get to relive the trauma of their horrible death, and wallow in their own pain and misery as a result, thus making them less happy.
For the spirits of the dead people - if you believe in them - they will also be quite unhappy about it, I mean they died horribly in the twin towers, so how is an image of them going to be enjoyable or help them reconnect with their living families?
(As an aside, I expect Jesus feels the same way about crosses. If you were pondering returning to the land of the living, would you want to come back to humanity, if humanity had spent 2000 years sculpting images of the device they used to torture you to death?)

For the people who designed and built this hideous effigy: Riches. Current retail price is about $18 from the NY Fire Department, though this will likely increase as we get closer to the anniversary. Manufacturing cost, probably a few pennies, since it was made in some sweat shop in China.

Response to my reviewer

 A review of my book "Yoghurt Weaving in a Nutshell" appeared in an obscure church newsletter in rural Switzerland. Here is my response to them:


Dear Mrs Wells

I hope you are well. I am writing in response to a review of my book which appeared in the march-april edition of your newsletter "Contact". I was not sure exactly which of the contributors wrote the piece, so I selected yourself as being, hopefully, the best person to direct my query. If I am wrong, please accept my apologies, and I would be grateful if you would forward this to the author of the review.

Since the purpose of my book was to generate debate, I am keen to enter into discussion about the comments made.
In particular, the reviewer appears to disagree with my assertion that spiritual healing of the planet is possible. I ask, are there any examples that may be cited where spiritual healing has ever actually brought "healing" to the earth?
Also, the reviewer only mentions one of my articles, and there are more than 30 in the book. I am very interested to hear what a Christian would answer to my views on Astral Projection, for example. Is it possible for the spirit to leave the body at will?

Finally, I am most intrigued as to how a copy of my book ended up in Switzerland in the first place...
I wish you all the best

Many thanks

John Broken Willow