This is the name given to several different churches spread across the USA. Some of these are similar to each other and some seem quite different, the name “Northridge” is quite arbitrary as it is a common place name.
Before even starting on any of the individual churches, this naming thing is just ridiculous. I understand the idea of naming your church after the place it’s in, which would be fine for the first one that ever existed. But when the second one came about, presumably in a different place called Northridge, what sort of fool decided to name it the same as a different church with a different philosophy? How exactly is that supposed to help people stay faithful?
“Join the Northridge Church! We will baptize you and absolve you of your sins!”
“But I thought you guys were with the Sally Army! Who the fuck are you people?”
“We all believe in Jesus! All believers are one with the Holy Spirit!”
“But you don’t agree with each other? That’s reassuring….”
So, defining the Northridge church depends on where you live. The biggest one (with three congregations) is based around Detroit, Michigan. This appears to be a branch-off of Baptist Christianity. The Northridge in Derry, New Hampshire has a similar set of philosophies. The actual beliefs they claim are quite generic Christian stuff – tripartite deity system; all humans are sinners; belief in the deity of Jesus will get you to heaven; not believing in Jesus you will go to hell. All that stuff. Because these are Baptist churches they all go on about how baptism is about immersion in the holy spirit and that’s part of the initial cleansing process when you join the religion. Apparently this Baptism in the “holy spirit” is really done in water, but it’s some special kind of water that has been blessed – this means someone who gets paid quite a lot of money has waved his hands over it and chanted some mumbo-jumbo. Bing! Hey presto, the water is magic! Sounds a bit like homeopathy.
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Both churches also do a lot of charity work. This is something Christians are good at. They firmly believe in helping people who are needy, without discrimination, because they hope that by doing so they can get their hands on more fresh souls to save by enlisting them into their churches. The Detroit church in particular describes nonbelievers as “lost”.
What’s special about the Northridge Church (Detroit and New Hampshire spp.) is how right on they are. These guys are cool and in with the kids man. Sunday service involves guitar bands. Regular activities include volleyball, rock climbing and…er…bible study. For two year olds. But they really are modern. The Detroit church have a catchphrase, “we don’t speak in these and thous.” Thankfully they don’t speak in tongues either. Instead there are workshops for empowering women in a modern patriarchal society, how to do more effective beneficient charity work, and of course, how to convince people of all this God and Jesus stuff, without them punching you violently in the face.
The Northridge in Rochester, New York is broadly similar. Also known as the “North Baptist Church”, they use different language to their counterparts but with the same kinds of messages really. They describe the second coming as “premillenial” (carefully failing to specify which millennium is being referred to) and have a downloadable application form for being baptized with amusing questions such as, “please state briefly why you should be allowed into heaven.” There’s another Baptist one in Minnesota, but frankly it’s quite dull so there’s not so much to say about it.
The Northridge in Newmarket, Ontario is rather different. Run by the Salvation Army, their main focus appears to be charity work locally – helping the homeless etc., but their calendar also includes events like “moms and muffs” (sounds like a porno); men’s huddle; scout groups; band rehearsals and English classes alongside the usual bible bashing and discussion groups. More on the Salvation Army’s belief system in a different blog, but essentially they are quite positive, and practice respect and compassion without too much of the Jesus crap.
My favorite Northridge Church has to be the Northridge Church of Christ in Dayton, Ohio. This is not only because it is stripped down and basic – it’s a traditional looking place with acapella singing and not a guitar amp in sight – but the way they describe their philosophy is just brilliant. They make hilarious attempts to use logical arguments to justify their faith. For example, starting with the premise that Jesus (the historical human being) was either lying about his divinity, a lunatic or the Lord: they rule out “liar” because he apparently spoke of truth and light – the evidence for this being in the Bible; and they rule out “lunatic” because lunatics have imbalanced minds and live erratic lifestyles. Jesus, apparently, displayed calm under pressure and a balanced, consistent lifestyle. According to the Bible. Therefore, say the church, he must be Lord. According to the Bible. Ah. Yes. They don’t seem to have taken in to account that there may be conflicting historical sources *waggles finger disapprovingly*. Also, does a man who spends 6 weeks alone in the desert talking to voices in his head, before allowing himself willingly to be tortured to death, really speak “balanced, consistent lifestyle”?
Their evidence that the Bible speaks the truth talks about internal and external verification. Frankly, one might assume that it is biased, since it only vaguely mentions a few patchy references to Jewish, Greek and Roman texts that made reference to Jesus, and a couple of examples where the Bible has been shown using archaeological methods to be correct. Since it was written by dozens of different people though, these arguments are complete bullshit, basically. Especially since these alternative information sources generally omit the stuff about Jesus being God.
With equal comedy value, the section on why one should choose their path uses evidence from the Hollywood movie “Gladiator”.
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