Flash Forward

This is a TV show that is a must-see for any fans of supernatural yoghurty weirdy stuff. Frankly I'm amazed I never heard of it until now. It's really good drama with some spirituality, destiny, strange cults and synchronicity.

IMDB Linky 

The basic premise is set at the beginning - a global catastrophe that involves the entire population of the world experiencing a blackout at precisely the same moment, for the same length of time. Then it transpires that as well as blacking out, everyone also has a vision of the future. The same time, 6 months in the future. Well, almost everyone. Some people do not have visions, does this mean that they will be dead in 6 months? Or something else?

So, global culture changes overnight as people ask themselves, and each other, questions around this. Did God cause it? Is human destiny set in stone or can it be changed? Why did I see those things, what does the message mean? Did God cause this? If not, who did? And, will this future happen only because I have seen it and want now to work towards it?
Some respond to this by starting cults, taking a whole new direction in life. Some desperaqtely try to stop their visions from happening, but it inexplicably seems that no matter what they do they are merely making the vision more and more certain.

The main characters centre around a team in the FBI who are investigating what happened, and various people around them whose lives become synchronously intertwined. As the plot thickens, and the investigation travels to far-slung corners of the world, the depth of the phenomenon becomes more and more mind-blowing.

Thoroughly entertaining, not popular enough, great show!

Gay therapy

************************ This article is not suitable for children. ***************************

What, you may well ask, is gay therapy?
Perhaps it is a kind of complementary healing designed to enhance one's sexual connection to the divine, using chakra yoga, and tailored specifically to homosexuality? No. Not that.

Perhaps it is a kind of blend of psychotherapy and Shamanism, designed to help one explore one's homosexual feelings in a creative way and come to terms with one's sexuality comfortably? Sadly, no, it's not that either.

Perhaps then, it is a sort of talking therapy for people who are gay, struggling with issues around their sexuality and the intense amount of homophobia in the world? No, not that either, that's usually called gay counselling, or with more political correctness, LGBT counselling.

Gay therapy is something else. Gay therapy starts from the principle that homosexuality is an illness, and attempts to "cure" people of their gayness. People who have been through this process and go on to define themselves as heterosexual, are referred to as "ex-gay".
"I no longer have sexual feelings for men", reported Ben Odama. "Sometimes they look at me kind of cute, and I just wink at them. But I'm happily married now, to a woman called Bernie."

A brief summary of the situation might go like this. For centuries, the religions ruled the minds of the people and the politicians. What they said, happened. So when Leviticus asked us to smite the homos, that's exactly what a self-respecting citizen would do, so long as they wanted to stay out of the dungeons.
Nowadays, in the "western" world at least, the religious types don't have so much power and the world has started to notice that a significant percentage of the population are, in fact, gay. That's how they were made. Other animals have homosexuality too, it's just a fact of being a mammal. Decades of civil rights marches and Pride carnivals later, not to mention the movie "Brokeback Mountain", the situation is still tense and there is still huge amounts of homophobic violence, as well as verbal abuse and discrimination, but by and large, the western world is now a place where homosexuality is basically accepted, and gay people don't get thrown in prison anymore for holding hands in public. Of course this is not true world wide, and there are still dozens of countries that serve the death sentence for homosexuality, but this article is not going into that.
Realizing that they were losing their (firm) grip on the gay propaganda debacle, the churches started persuading gay people that, even though they were sinners against God, they could still be accepted into the church. After all, they couldn't turn away such a large percentage of their congregations could they? They'd lose a fortune in subscriptions.
So organisations like NARTH, JONAH, the Evergreen Foundation and Homosexuals Anonymous began to spring up. They have an umbrella group called PATH, which stands for People Against The Homos.
Make no mistake, all these people are fundamentalist religious types. They go on about how they are reputable therapists acting out of compassion for their clients, helping people to become better Christians/Jews/Muslims/Jedi. They tell clients that they can purge them of their sinful feelings and become purer. They tell the world that their clients voluntarily come to them because they can't bear to have these impure feelings anymore. The world sees people being brainwashed into getting the "treatment" because the other people in the church (and, basically, as a result, everyone in their life) tell them they are disgusting.
In fact, the whole culture of homophobia that still exists all over the world is driven by religious organisations, and it is largely as a result of this hateful non-acceptance that gay people struggle with their sexuality in the first place. The churches, having created this hatred, can now make use of it to shame people into stopping having homosexual relationships. Furthermore, huge amounts of cash can be made from all these bunk therapy sessions, residential treatments, book sales and all the other crap that goes alongside this ridiculous "therapy" that any sane person knows full well is a waste of time right from the start. I'm sure that the people who practice gay therapy know this also, but they will happily continue to provide it, for as long as their churches can bully people through the doors (sometimes as young as 3 years old) and keep the money coming in.
In the meantime the majority of people who have had such treatments are still gay, and it is easy to draw the conclusion that the ones who claim to be "ex-gay" have achieved some form of advanced repression to their sexuality, and suffer married life begrudgingly.

Inspired by the excellent Sacha Baran Cohen film "Bruno", We sent our mystery shopper, Rupert Bullyboy Willow, to a gay therapy session locally. This is what happened:

Rupert: So, I understand you can stop me fancying men.
Therapist: Absolutely.
How does it work then?
Well, we'll talk a little about what being gay means to you, then maybe we'll get an idea of how to proceed.
Sounds a bit vague. OK. Being gay means I fancy blokes. I fuck them up the arse and suck on their cocks. Most weekends when I was younger, I'd go clubbing, take loads of pills and have loads of filthy sex, but nowadays I tend to have quite nights in with me feller. However, some bloke in the pub told me that, despite being attracted to men for as long as I can remember, I've committed sins against Jesus and can only repent by becoming straight. Is that even possible?
Of course it's possible. Homosexuality is a choice.
No one gave me a choice, mate, I've never  fancied women. People like Pamela Anderson disgust me. I was born gay and that's all there is to it.
That is not true. You were made and brought into the world by God, who is perfect. He made everybody heterosexual as that is the perfect union required to make a family.
You don't think it was my parents who brought me into the world then?
Yes, but ultimately you came from God.
So he made me want to suck cocks.
No, he made you pure. Wanting to indulge in homosexual acts is impure. It came from somewhere else. Something in your early childhood. What do you remember about being young?
Oooh, you mean in relation to being gay? Well I liked the look of the milkman actually, when I was about 6. It wasn't really a sexual thing, I was too young, I just kind of wanted to be naked with him. Then there was the time when Mum put me and me mate Daz in the bath together. We were about 8. Anyway I got kind of hard and he was a bit freaked out, but he's me best mate still now. Straight as an arrow that one. That's when I knew really.
There must have been something before this depravity began that triggered it in your mind.
You mean when I was a baby? Nah, nothing sexual there. Just bottles and Calvin Klein nappies.
What kind of friendships did you have in early school? With girls, with boys?
I had lots of female friends and was quite popular in general, but the bullies - you know, the hard lads who went on to become gangsters - beat me up quite a lot. They thought I was a bit weird. I didn't understand why at the time but now I realise that I used to look at them kind of longingly. Not suprised it freaked them, out, really. Some of the boys were nice, me and Joseph used to hang around together a lot *sighs with a smile and happy memories of Joseph*.
So at what point did you realise you were different from these, er, bullies?
Probably when they used to talk about girls they thought were pretty and I laughed at them.
Why did you laugh?
Cos I thought those boys were pretty. Mate, this isn't going anywhere, can we try something else luv?
OK, I want you to think about times in your life when you have felt more normal. 
I am normal. Look, do you have any techniques that actually might work?
*Coughs* Well, erm, OK, we'll jump straight to your relationship with God. Tell me about that. 
He's some big guy up in the sky who loves everyone unconditionally.
That's right.
 So why does he want me to change then?
Because you have sinned.
Well, hello! Who hasn't? And you haven't convinced me yet that he made me straight.
We are all sinners, you are right. We all need to improve ourselves in our own ways.
Does your wife suck cock?
Excuse me?
Does she? If so, does that make her a sinner too? Does she need to improve? I could give her a few lessons if she likes... *winks*
*Ahem* As I was saying, homosexual acts are a sin and you can repent of those sins by immersing yourself in the body of Christ.
Sounds quite exciting.
I don't mean literally. I mean you need to accept Christ into your soul, body and mind and live his teachings and his actions.
OK, so I need to hang around mostly with other men, going out on fishing trips and so on? And not sleep with any women, but have a prostitute as a kind of pretend girlfriend?

Pause.
 OK, Mr Willow, I'm recommending you for a residential course of aversion therapy You'll be shown pictures of naked men and women with various amounts of eletricity being applied to your genitals.

For information about the campaign against gay therapy, check out: Truth Wins Out.

Jesus Christ of the Latter Day Saints (part 1)

I've always wondered who these latter-day saints were. Now I know, there's only one of them. His name was Joseph Smith and he lived in New York in the early 1800s. He invented a religion that now has 135 temples and 14 million members worldwide.
In a moment curiously reminiscent of the "discovery" of reiki by Mikao Usui, Smith:

"went to a grove of trees near his home and knelt in prayer. He described his experience: “I saw a pillar of light exactly over my head, above the brightness of the sun, which descended gradually until it fell upon me [ … ] When the light rested upon me I saw two Personages, whose brightness and glory defy all description, standing above me in the air. One of them spake unto me, calling me by name and said, pointing to the other-This is My Beloved Son. Hear Him!” 

That's it, the whole religion is founded on that one, mind-blowing psychedelic experience. Terrible! I've seen more convincing stuff on hippiesonacid.com. Having spoken professionally with lots of people who suffer from what is nowadays known as schizophrenia, this description sounds somewhat familiar to me. I'm not suggesting the guy was mad - in fact, far from it, he was clearly very together - but I am suggesting that he doesn't sound very convincing nowadays. I would most definitely get locked up if I started coming out with stuff like this. Smith got away with it because in the time and place he lived there were countless religious nuts and suffering, vulnerable people ravaged by battles, poverty and disease, desperate to have some ray of hope to latch on to.

He went on to produce vast quantities of scriptures that were "shown" to him by God - modern yoghurt weavers call this process channeling - and like all clever founders of religions he emphasised how important family is to God (thus ensuring that the religion passes on, and multiplies, through family units.) And of course, allowing men to have multiple wives is all part and parcel of that, right? I mean, it's part of God's plan to restablish the traditions of the Old Testament times. There is of course, the theory that Smith was having an affair with someone in his congregation, and not wanting to get in trouble with his wife, he decided to invent God's doctrine on polygamy. But obviously that can't be true. It must be all part of God's plan, that's why the Mormon church public renounced it just before the turn of the century.

They've got this thing about Temples, in Mormonism, too. They seem to think that from the time of Jesus until the time of Smith there were no temples in the world. Except in Asia, Europe, Africa, Australasia, South America, ooh and other parts of North America? Maybe they missed a few out when they were counting.

It's not unusual for Christian religions to be anti-gay but the Mormon church has a particularly interesting viewpoint. Because for them, family is everything, "Any sexual activity outside of marriage is wrong, and mariage is between a man and a woman." Mormon's will not budge on this, as it is the word of the Lord who is perfect. But it's OK because they don't like to discriminate gays in society in issues such as housing or employment, oh and the chuch's position is based on love so it's quite fluffy really. They're sinners against God and they are wrong, but its OK really, we don't hate them. Aw, bless. How understanding these Mormons are about the diverse populations of the world.

There'll be more on the LDS in later blogs but, walking past the place every day whilst walking my dog I started to wonder who are these people who dress in suits for no good reason, when it's 100 degrees in the shade...

God doesn't talk to me when I wear my purple hat

This is an announcement that the second edition of the Yoghurt Weaving book is now available as a paperback or a download. It's up on Lulu.

Here's the link to my Lulu page.

If you live in the UK then it is still cheaper to get the paperback book from Completely Novel. However if you live outside the UK, or want to buy a download for $3.50, then get it from Lulu. That works out around £2.10.

The content is basically the same apart from a few 's's replaced with 'z's and so on, and  a few corrections here and there from the original text. I've released this second edition because there were some people living in far slung corners of the world who weren't able to get hold of the original book.

Please take a look and recommend it to your friends too!

A snippet from my novel

Now some of the other things happening in the room were beginning to get clearer. The lights were coming from the walls and they were indeed a mixture of yellow, orange and lilac. He had thought this odd before in his dream-like state but now he understood that these walls were made entirely of crystal, and the crystal itself was glowing in a chaotic, transient flow of these colours and numerous mixtures thereof. 

Boon became transfixed by the walls, gazing around at them, trying to take in the whole scene at once, his mind becoming more and more incredulous. However before he had managed to comprehend the walls, he noticed also the people standing in the middle of the room. There were two women and three men and they too, were a sight to behold with awe, for they wore intricate painted make-up that covered almost all of their bodies, and their only clothing – bar tie-dyed loincloths - was in the form of dangly accoutrements around their necks – shells, feathers, beaded necklaces and other jewels and talismans that were made from things found in nature. They were parading around in a circle, making wild gestures up, down and all around them with their hands, and they seemed lost in a deep trance. The mumbling was now clearer but he could still not work out the words. Boon was sure they were from another language, perhaps some ancient dialect that was mostly forgotten in the books that had been burnt since the war. They looked for all the world like tribal shamans that he might have seen on a documentary about the old world. 

The next thing that Boon noticed took him completely by surprise, as it turned out that two of the men were Paul and Yosi. He could scarcely recognise them and had to squint in the strange light to be sure; he also turned to Jenna for reassurance. She had been studying his reaction and when he turned her way she merely smiled lightly, nodded and pointed towards the dancers. This seemed to coincide with the beginning of a drumming sound coming from a dark corner of the cave – “boom ba-da-ba-da-ba-da boom ba-da-ba-da-ba-da” thronged the rhythm. There also began a new movement in the dance, where all five of the participants turned their backs to a different part of the technicolour wall with their arms outstretched towards the middle. Their murmuring became louder and unified. They were chanting as one: “RAA-KOOR-GARN! RAA-KOOR-GARN!”

“Five dancers for the five elements,” whispered Jenna into Boon’s ear. He utterly failed to understand what she meant but did not question it.

Soon, coloured light from the walls began to beam gently into the dancers foreheads. As this happened, the dancers continued their swirling and manoeuvring, and the five sources of light mingled with the lifeforce energy of the five dancers. As the intensity of the light increased about the aura of each of them, it began lightly to beam from their heart chakras into the middle of the circle. As the beams met, the light took on form – more and more complex shapes arose and the etheric swirls of colour became more solidified – one could see people, buildings, spaceships – and all the time the three dimensional picture was becoming more clear. The only thing Boon had ever seen like it was those 3D holographic adverts you get in the street. It was exactly as if the cave was showing a film, using the dancers as projectors.

Agape with wonder, Boon stared pointedly at the image in the centre of the circle. Firstly it showed a space satellite, tumbling over itself slowly. The view of the image moved around so as to show its position, in orbit around what Boon thought to be the moon. Next there were people in a remote village – in India, maybe – loading brown sacks onto a truck. Next, a newborn baby being injected with some fluid in a needle. Some men in a plush office high up in a skyscraper. The view showed the men’s view out of their window, over a huge city that Boon did not recognise. It showed also their faces which were gnarled, angry and very intelligent. Then there was a moving image of an ordinary street scene – all sorts of people milling around at their business, cars on the roads and in the air, except suddenly about half of the people dropped down to the floor as if dead. Their faces were full of anguish and screaming pain, yet whatever had caused this happened so quickly that there was not enough time for the screams to come out of their mouths. Cars crashed as their owners perished in this horror. Sirens and alarms wailed everywhere. Survivors filled the air with screaming panic and confusion. This last image stayed with Boon until the end of his days. He was horrified.

“They have asked the crystal cave a question,” whispered Jenna to him, quietly. “This is the answer. I do not like the look of it. I guess that you also do not. The members of the ritual will explain the meaning to us afterwards. They will understand the images as the cave does.”

Gradually the clarity of the pictures subsided, leaving the image of one poor woman’s face – who had just watched her husband suddenly perish – as the last picture to leave them. The beams of colour returned into the auras of the five dancers, and they then turned to face various parts of the cave wall before beaming the colour back at the crystal. This process took a few minutes; as it was going on, the drums slowly quietened down and the five dancers began to look visibly more relaxed. Finally, when all their bodies had stopped glowing, as one they got down on their knees and prostrated before the crystal walls in a gesture of humbleness and thanks.

The drums stopped. The ritual was over. No one spoke for a couple of moments, then all of a sudden, Paul rose from his bowed position and addressed Boon chirpily as if nothing was unusual.

“Shane, how are ye mate, good ter see yer oop an’about. This is ar mate, Anzir. ‘E’s a bit southern but e’s alright.”

The other man in the ritual rose just as quickly, walked over to where Boon was sitting and shook his hand warmly.

“Owright me’ol’mucka!” was his colloquial greeting.

Boon was silent, merely staring at Anzir with mouth wide open in suprise.

“Cat got yer tongue, eh? Oh,” Anzir began, hesitating as if trying to work out why Boon was silent, “Oh, that!” he concluded, gesturing with one hand behind him, vaguely in the direction of where the ritual had just taken place. “Freak you out a bi’eh? Daahn’t let it get ter yer. Looks like fackin’ mumbo jumbo ‘ippy shit, bu’ iss jus’like telly really, when you get used t’it, ‘cept it tells the truth, ha ha! You fancy a cappa tea?” 

Pagans and the Daily Mail - a year in the life of a hate campaign

The Daily Mail, for those who don't know, is a rather conservative newspaper in the UK. They are renowned for their backward, nimby attitudes towards anything new, fun or alternative. They feel threatened by people who live lives that do not mould well into the high-brow suburban society they seek to create. They attack the spiritual beliefs of most non-Christians.

This particularly applies to Pagans. The DM has, for many years, targetted an intense hate campaign against the very idea of Paganism. They hate the non-Christian values, the clothes, the attitudes; they hate the freedom the liberty and the feminism; they hate the rituals, the spells and the accoutrements; but most of all they hate the fact that most Pagans have jobs so they can't target them using the "worthless doley scum" arguments they apply to most hippy types.

Over the course of the last twelve month's articles, the full picture of the campaign comes to light. There were two articles about Pagans in the military. Apparently, some of these men and women may be serving in the war against terror. I'm not sure why that makes it any more or less shocking. Anyhow, apparently 130 people in the UK forces are practicing Pagans, though this figure is itself slightly suspect as it includes 50 Rastafarians. There was a separate article about a modern stone circle at a military training camp in Colorado, where apparently security is tight due following a row last year over a Pagan Cross.
There is also a lot of talk about Pagans in the police. The DM is very upset that Pagan Police Officers are permitted religious days off - for Samhain, Imbolc etc and the solstices and equinoxes. In a society that claims to be multicultural, why the fuck not? Just because the DM doesn't understand the need to worship the solstice, for example, doesn't make it wrong.

Following with the law and order theme, they are also up in arms about prisoners who are Pagans. (The main photo for the article is of some drugged-up hippies at the Stonehenge solstice celebration). They are permitted to get a day off work for four days per year, which they choose out of the main eight. They can also, within reason, request special food on these days (as can followers of other faiths). So the DM would disallow this would they? Deny someone their faith? Pagan prisoners are also allowed to have in their possession a wand and a hoodless robe. The DM are all upset about this too. You'd think they would want to encourage clothing like that, with all the ranting they do elsewhere in the paper about hoodies.

So how about the man from Wales who was on probation for a weapons offence? The offence was of having a knife in a public place. It turns out that it was an athamac that he uses in Pagan rituals. This arrest is an issue itself, though to be fair he did have previous for firearms. Nonetheless, he got a tag for four months, but was permitted special dispensation for full moon nights, when he was allowed to go out to do rituals up on the moors. If he'd asked for special dispensation to go to Midnight Mass this wouldn't have even been a story. The DM spins this gentleman as an evil criminal who is using the ridiculous equality laws to get away with a lighter sentence.

They also reported a case in April about a man acquitted of benefit fraud. Once again, it's the kind of thing that happens every day, but the DM reports it because the man was a pagan. They obviously did not think he should have been acquitted. They described him as, "The emotional Druid, who has long flowing brown hair, a thick chest-length curly grey beard and walks with a wooden staff". No stereotypes there, then.

The attitude of the DM to Pagans is symptomatic of their general campaign against "political correctness gone mad". They feel that the laws protecting the rights of followers of Paganism (as a bona fide religion) are what is at fault. Furthermore, they make paltry hints that they believe New Labour, with their Equality and Diversity agenda, are "responsible" for the rise of Paganism and (what they see as) the problems this causes in society. In one particularly impressive rant last october, to mark the Charity Commission's decision to recognise Paganism as a religion of equal status to the more mainstream ones, columnist Melanie Phillips begins: "Will somebody please tell me this is all a joke?" She argues that equality and human rights laws serve to minimise and alienate traditional monotheistic beliefs whilst trumping up out of proportionate the more obscure ones. This is bullcrap. She minimises and alienates Christian values, by purporting to speak for them with one hand, while with the other she pisses over her neighbours and preaches hate. Pagans, on the other hand, tend to believe that all people are equal regardless of their spiritual beliefs.

Sticking with politics, DM reported that Christine O'Donnell, a Republican politician from Delaware, is a Pagan. If you read the small print it says that she went on a date with a witch when she was 17 years old and has never practiced any kind of Paganism herself. (To be fair, the DM did not start this smear of O'Donnell which has been going on for years). However the DM have their own agenda against her - for why, I dare not ponder - so have listed half a dozen reasons to mistrust her, concluding, "she's a Witch, what do you expect?" (Instead of the more obvious, "she's a politician, what do you expect?") This is quite a clever way to reinforce their anti-Pagan stance.

One sensationalist headline in november stated, "Schools get go ahead to teach Paganism." Let's break that down a little. That statement implies that all schools across the nation will now be teaching Pagan values as a whole subject. It almost implies that other belief systems could be scrapped from schools. I can almost imagine the worried suburban parents, thinking their children will be sacrificing goats instead of singing hymns. What's the reality? One local council claims to have had a debate about it. Some vague inconclusive discussion is reported on some council meeting minutes, which were probably largely fabricated by the secretary anyway, (like most meeting minutes), and of course they were discussing the teaching of it as a system of beliefs alongside all the other ones. I was shocked to discover that this does not happen already. The DM is shocked that it might happen. Why? What are they scared of, that their kids might learn that there are different types of people in the world?

There were many other stories following these kinds of themes. A harrassment tribunal in New York where a woman's colleagues were frightened she was putting spells on their cars. The BBC show one TV programme about Samhain and are accused of marginalising Christianity. More policemen doing rituals with pig's trotters. Some academic trying to argue that Paganism is a dangerous cult. That sort of thing. One other article deserves special mention - a celebratory story announcing a new book, produced by the Catholic Church, which is a guide for parents worried that their children might be getting into witchcraft. The pic for the story shows the main cast of the Harry Potter films, as if they represent all the reasons children might get into witchcraft. I won't be rushing out to buy a copy (though I might try and download one to have a laugh at it!)

Perhaps the DM will see the light and recognise that people who practice the various forms of Paganism are, basically, just like them. Human beings with their own ways of living, own beliefs, own ways of thinking that are just as valid. Perhaps someone will point out that worshipping an almighty deity in the sky sounds just as ridiculous, to a nonbeliever, as worshipping the spirits of the earth. Though in actuality, the DM probably don't care about that stuff, just as long as the Pagans are lower down the economic and social scales than they are - as long as they have a worse status in the law - they can feel like they have kept some of the fencing around their back yard.

Northridge Church(es)

This is the name given to several different churches spread across the USA. Some of these are similar to each other and some seem quite different, the name “Northridge” is quite arbitrary as it is a common place name.

Before even starting on any of the individual churches, this naming thing is just ridiculous. I understand the idea of naming your church after the place it’s in, which would be fine for the first one that ever existed. But when the second one came about, presumably in a different place called Northridge, what sort of fool decided to name it the same as a different church with a different philosophy? How exactly is that supposed to help people stay faithful?

“Join the Northridge Church! We will baptize you and absolve you of your sins!”

“But I thought you guys were with the Sally Army! Who the fuck are you people?”

“We all believe in Jesus! All believers are one with the Holy Spirit!”

“But you don’t agree with each other? That’s reassuring….”

So, defining the Northridge church depends on where you live. The biggest one (with three congregations) is based around Detroit, Michigan. This appears to be a branch-off of Baptist Christianity. The Northridge in Derry, New Hampshire has a similar set of philosophies. The actual beliefs they claim are quite generic Christian stuff – tripartite deity system; all humans are sinners; belief in the deity of Jesus will get you to heaven; not believing in Jesus you will go to hell. All that stuff. Because these are Baptist churches they all go on about how baptism is about immersion in the holy spirit and that’s part of the initial cleansing process when you join the religion. Apparently this Baptism in the “holy spirit” is really done in water, but it’s some special kind of water that has been blessed – this means someone who gets paid quite a lot of money has waved his hands over it and chanted some mumbo-jumbo. Bing! Hey presto, the water is magic! Sounds a bit like homeopathy.

An innovative advertising campaign in Michigan has resulted in bad press for the Northridge Churches...

Both churches also do a lot of charity work. This is something Christians are good at. They firmly believe in helping people who are needy, without discrimination, because they hope that by doing so they can get their hands on more fresh souls to save by enlisting them into their churches. The Detroit church in particular describes nonbelievers as “lost”.

What’s special about the Northridge Church (Detroit and New Hampshire spp.) is how right on they are. These guys are cool and in with the kids man. Sunday service involves guitar bands. Regular activities include volleyball, rock climbing and…er…bible study. For two year olds. But they really are modern. The Detroit church have a catchphrase, “we don’t speak in these and thous.” Thankfully they don’t speak in tongues either. Instead there are workshops for empowering women in a modern patriarchal society, how to do more effective beneficient charity work, and of course, how to convince people of all this God and Jesus stuff, without them punching you violently in the face.

The Northridge in Rochester, New York is broadly similar. Also known as the “North Baptist Church”, they use different language to their counterparts but with the same kinds of messages really.  They describe the second coming as “premillenial” (carefully failing to specify which millennium is being referred to) and have a downloadable application form for being baptized with amusing questions such as, “please state briefly why you should be allowed into heaven.” There’s another Baptist one in Minnesota, but frankly it’s quite dull so there’s not so much to say about it.

The Northridge in Newmarket, Ontario is rather different. Run by the Salvation Army, their main focus appears to be charity work locally – helping the homeless etc., but their calendar also includes events like “moms and muffs” (sounds like a porno); men’s huddle; scout groups; band rehearsals and English classes alongside the usual bible bashing and discussion groups. More on the Salvation Army’s belief system in a different blog, but essentially they are quite positive, and practice respect and compassion without too much of the Jesus crap.

My favorite Northridge Church has to be the Northridge Church of Christ in Dayton, Ohio. This is not only because it is stripped down and basic – it’s a traditional looking place with acapella singing and not a guitar amp in sight – but the way they describe their philosophy is just brilliant. They make hilarious attempts to use logical arguments to justify their faith. For example, starting with the premise that Jesus (the historical human being) was either lying about his divinity, a lunatic or the Lord: they rule out “liar” because he apparently spoke of truth and light – the evidence for this being in the Bible; and they rule out “lunatic” because lunatics have imbalanced minds and live erratic lifestyles. Jesus, apparently, displayed calm under pressure and a balanced, consistent  lifestyle. According to the Bible. Therefore, say the church, he must be Lord. According to the Bible. Ah. Yes. They don’t seem to have taken in to account that there may be conflicting historical sources *waggles finger disapprovingly*. Also, does a man who spends 6 weeks alone in the desert talking to voices in his head, before allowing himself willingly to be tortured to death, really speak “balanced, consistent lifestyle”?

Their evidence that the Bible speaks the truth talks about internal and external verification. Frankly, one might assume that it is biased, since it only vaguely mentions a few patchy references to Jewish, Greek and Roman texts that made reference to Jesus, and a couple of examples where the Bible has been shown using archaeological methods to be correct. Since it was written by dozens of different people though, these arguments are complete bullshit, basically. Especially since these alternative information sources generally omit the stuff about Jesus being God.

With equal comedy value, the section on why one should choose their path uses evidence from the Hollywood movie “Gladiator”.

Obscure religions series begins!

I have decided to embark on a new writing project on the subject of obscure churches. This will be largely, but not entirely, devoted to religions based on Christianity. When I say "religion" I am referring to a huge variety of sizes of organisation. It can be anything from a couple of people who believe that the moon God is made of Edam and must be worshipped with Cranberry sauce offerings, to a major international movement complete with their own economy and mafia.

Living as I do, in the USA, there are plenty to choose from right on my own doorstep. It seems that on every street corner there are a tribe of people with bizarre beliefs and even more bizarre ways to worship. And I haven't even looked at the ones on TV yet...

 One would hope that religious people could find it in their god-fearing hearts to put aside their differences and unite in their prayers and devotion to their Lords, but apparently this is not the case and there are hundreds, if not thousands, of tinier and tinier branches of Christianity alone.

The reasons branches of churches divide up like this are usually complex, historically significant, and rather dull when written into history books. I usually try to imagine religious scholars, over the centuries, getting mindlessly drunk on monk's brewed wine, and arguing about the finer points of theological reasoning...with swords at the ready to settle the arguments. Perhaps they are trying to decide whether God meant them to wear beige robes with red tassels, or magnolia with pastel pink. The arguments grow, usually because of egos rather than any well-thought out theological point, and eventually churches split up, suddenly creating yet another "true religion" that is more pure and true than the first.

The end result - i.e. the multiple divisions that we have in religions today - typically bears no relation whatsoever to the original reasons for the split. Humans being humans, they find new things to argue about; new leaders come along and rewrite things, and before you know it they are fighting with one another about an entirely new subject that they used to agree upon.

This is great for people like me because it means there is plenty of material for satirical piss-taking! Two caveats.

First, I am unlikely to cover any of the major cults. This is not because I don't wish to - if anything they deserve ridicule far more than the real religions - but they are known to silence critics with horses heads in beds and so on. Not being equipped with either expensive lawyers, a team of gun-toting thugs, or both, I'm not really willing to take the risk frankly....
 
Second, while I will aim to be generally respectful to the spiritual beliefs of individuals, some readers of my work may have noticed that I tend to be undiplomatic at times. If you are religious and easily offended, please don't read these articles. If you do, don't start complaining to me that they should be removed because they offend your God. Major hypocrisy and bullshit is endemic in most of the worlds religions, and that offends my God. Instead, if you disagree with what I say, tell me why and we'll debate it. Maybe we'll reach some common understanding.

Enjoy the series! Feedback encourages more articles ;)

Orit Fox and her snake

I read today in an animal welfare magazine that a python had died in Venezuela. On closer inspection, it turned out that it had died after biting a human being. Even closer examination revealed the following startling snippet. The snake had bitten a supermodel on the breast, ingested some silicone and died of silicone poisoning.
Turns out that this is all over the news, and a quick google will reveal video footage.
The supermodel, you may or may not care to learn, is fine. The bite was superficial and she only needed to spend a few hundred dollars on secondary make-up pampering and a few thousand on a week in an exclusive spa. The only other expense would have been an extra few ounces of cocaine to get over the shock. Obviously her ego was bruised a little, as she had to spend a few days not displaying her stupendous cleavage to the world, thus damping down her jilted confidence to almost zero: but these things heal in time.
The fact that a snake died because of breast implants is extremely harsh for the snake, obviously, not to mention that snakes' best mates; and the story reminds us of serious welfare issues about how well this snake was being looked after. Presumably it was hired for the photo shoot from some "rent-an-animal" agency, which effectively consigns its "pets" to a life of slavery to humans.
The story also highlights the environmental problems of silicone. If a small mouthful of the stuff can kill a snake, (which are known for having good constitutions) what other sort of damage does the stuff do, as it litters the environment - both in implants and a whole host of other products?

Most importantly though, the story highlights this. Have you ever seen a picture of Orit Fox? She looks absolutely vile. The pictures remind me of those horror films where the child's doll comes to life. Her entire face and upper body is constructed and reconstructed with layer upon layer of plastic surgery and expensive make-up, such that, next to her, Michael Jackson would look like the all-natural boy-next-door. What the hell is this woman doing to herself? And do people really worship her visage, call her beautiful etc., or do they just celebrate how freakish she looks?

Plastic surgery is great for people who have scars, or have deformities that cause medical problems. Sadly, it is also used by stupid rich celebrities who all want to look the same as each other, or like freaks. When you see pics of them before the surgery started they were invariably more attractive before, why they can't see it is beyond me.

A python yesterday

The 9/11 Memorial

The time is approaching for the tenth anniversary of 9/11.
Now you may be thinking that Bin Laden did it, the US government did it, it was the Illuminati, it was caused by negative Earth Energies, it was aliens hell bent on revenge for all that rubbish we broadcast on the satellite TV etc. etc. But, no matter what your theory for who was responsible for 9/11, no one can deny that the deaths of all those people was a massive human tragedy.
People like to mark the anniversaries of tragic events, like deaths, with some sort of fitting memorial. Usually these are designed to bring us closer to the spirit of the dead person or people, for example, going to a place that they enjoyed and lighting candles or singing their favorite song.
Not in this case. Whoever designed this piece of crap decided a little differently. In honour of the thousands of people who died on that day, many in states of extreme terror and pain inside collapsing burning buildings, this person decided that a fitting tribute would be to encourage mourning loved ones to spend their hard-earned cash on some crappy bits of cheap metal glued together badly to look a little bit like the twin towers. Adding in a few candles, it looks a bit like the buildings are on fire.
Brilliant. So this will achieve what exactly?
For the people holding the memorial with this statuette: instead of remembering the happy, positive, fun things about their loved one's life, they just get to relive the trauma of their horrible death, and wallow in their own pain and misery as a result, thus making them less happy.
For the spirits of the dead people - if you believe in them - they will also be quite unhappy about it, I mean they died horribly in the twin towers, so how is an image of them going to be enjoyable or help them reconnect with their living families?
(As an aside, I expect Jesus feels the same way about crosses. If you were pondering returning to the land of the living, would you want to come back to humanity, if humanity had spent 2000 years sculpting images of the device they used to torture you to death?)

For the people who designed and built this hideous effigy: Riches. Current retail price is about $18 from the NY Fire Department, though this will likely increase as we get closer to the anniversary. Manufacturing cost, probably a few pennies, since it was made in some sweat shop in China.